


To lose control of your heart

by orphan_account



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-03-02 15:00:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13320630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: This is the story of Noora and Eva who will both discover that love comes unexpectedly and still beautifully. This is also the story of new found friendships, old broken ones and reflection about oneself.  Between the desire to have fun and to be free, we all want to know what it feels like to be truly wanted. Don’t we?





	1. ''It was amusing''

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old story I had previously put on here and then deleted. I found it hidden on my computer and decided to post it again and finish it! It's my take on Skam, or rather what it could have been. Enjoy!

Noora

So many people, there were so many people. Dancing, drinking, singing, moving far away and still so close. Moving so close and still so far.  Some of them were touching her, rubbing their shapeless body onto hers. Others were in the distance, moving together to create this transcendent aura. With the neon lights flashing up high and the general darkness of the room, she felt as if she were entering another dimension. It was purple, it was vibrant, it was loud and energetic, buzzed and happy. More so; it was friendly and warm. Even more so; it was horribly not her. Still, she made her way through. Slowly, slowly. She pushed them away and made her way through. Because she told herself that she could do this, making a new life of this new situation. Because Eskild had forced her to do this and she seemed to care about him. Or just because she wanted to.

When she could see things other than close bodies, she turned around and gravelly, she searched the room for the bar, knowing that she wouldn’t be drinking alcohol tonight as she never drank. Alcohol to her was like a sleeping pill, a substance that made her lose total control of her body. And so, she chose never to drink it. As she approached the bar, she decided to order a soda, something to keep her busy for some times.

‘‘Anything else? A beer maybe?’’ the barman asked with a charming smile after she had taken her order.

She raised an eyebrow and slowly tilted her head sideway.

‘‘How old do you think I am?’’

‘‘Eh’, he responded hesitantly. ‘‘A soda it is?’’

‘‘A soda it is’’, she said as the loud music changed to something more techno.

It was not the first time someone had thought her older than she really was. She was never offended though. She chose to present herself in a mature way. Her short haircut, her red lipstick, her clean blouse and her formal blazer gave her a sever look, or so her mom had repeated to her again and again. But this was the look she had chosen. It gave her confidence. It made her look good. And principally, she felt in control. Still, she was barely sixteen. This was something she was aware of and others needed to be aware of this as well.

As she drank the colorful liquid, her head moved calmly to the sound of the now sweet music. All around her, she found people making out, girls dancing with each other and boys simply talking to each other.  Everybody seemed to have fun. Everybody seemed to have friends. And the music played on. The lights were now red, with a pitch of pink. No longer electric like before, no longer neon and transcendent. Warm. It was cosy. She glanced sideway. Oh. A girl alone. No, not alone. She was talking with two other girls. But her eyes. She was lonely. She bit her lips, looking for a loophole but she found none. Noora smiled at that. She couldn’t see her face clearly, but she felt her annoyance.  Noora turned away and looked at a group of girls next to her, talking to each other vibrantly. One was clearly drunk and happy. Soon, the drunk girl moved away and the other one stayed waiting. And the music played on. The lights more red than ever. And the annoyed girl came fully in the light, clearly in the pulsating red light. Her face was completely transparent, her emotion drowning from her eyes.  She looked sad. Devastated almost. And weirdly enough, with a slight of guilt, Noora’s first thought was that she looked beautiful. Noora raised an eyebrow again. As the annoyed girl was talking to her friend, Noora felt warm. She looked at the soda. Was she drinking alcohol? No, she needed to stop being so paranoid. She had opened the can; there could have been no alcohol added. But she felt warm. Odd.

She didn’t know how, but she ended up next to the girl talking to her friend. She sat and looked at them subtly. No. They didn’t seem like they were friends. She didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but she catched two words: ‘ _A whore’_. Ah. Now she understood. Almost instinctively, she was next to the redhead who was now standing alone, shattered.

‘’Hi’’, Noora said with a smirk.

The girl stared at her. Her makeup smudged and her cheeks red. She looked like she was ready to pass her annoyance from one person to another. She also looked like a movie star.

‘‘Girls who call other girls whores are more likely to get chlamydia’’, Noora said to her out of the blue.

The girl raised both her eyebrows in surprise.

‘‘Really?’’

Noora snickered at that. She was indeed naïve.

‘’No’’, she said slowly, ‘’but wouldn’t it be great if they were?’’

The girl smiled a bit and looked at her calmly. She was beautiful with this edgy look of hers. So different from Noora. She seemed so young. So vulnerable. Noora  could never allow herself to open up to the world like she did. And yet, it fit her perfectly. Like a movie star.

‘’I’m Noora’’, she added, ‘’we have Spanish together.’’

The girl nodded.

‘’I’m Eva.’’

*

Eva

The days after the party, she had two things on her mind: Jonas and Ingrid. As she was seated in her room during a warm afternoon, she decided to think about Jonas first. With him, it was clear, or at least she wanted it to be clear. He loved her and she loved him immensely. There was no denying it. There was no questioning it. It was a warm feeling that made her heart beat franticly, a comforting presence in the back of her head. It was curly black hair tickling her pale skin. It was a muscled body gently caressing her. Jonas. Even with the slight paranoia of him liking another girl, she knew he was faithful. No stress.

She fell on her bed and closed her eyes. Now… Ingrid…. Her pale skin and long curly brown hair. Her eyes looking at her severely. Her mouth calling her a whore. _Whore. Whore. You look like a whore._ But did Ingrid know that she had dressed like that for her? She had put makeup on for her? And had drank that night to build up the courage to talk to her? Her and only her?  She had looked like a _Whore_ for her? Or did she not realise how strongly she possessed her every thought. Eva wanted to be friends back. It was an obsession at this point. Ingrid controlled her mind, she was always there looking at her in her head. Spying. Judging. _You took away my Jonas_. And what was left of their friendship? Nothing. Eva only had Jonas. Other than him, she was alone. Without her best friend. _Her, her, her_. It was for her that she did everything, except this one thing which was loving her boyfriend.

She pushed her head on her pillow and screamed quietly. She wanted to shout at the world _Ingrid, I need you back!_

She had looked so angry at the party. It was like she had spat venom at Eva. It was like she had waited for that moment to crush her completely.

Eva turned her head slowly and looked at her window. Outside, the lights shined brightly letting an orange light illuminate her room. Almost red. She closed her eyes again.

At the party, after Ingrid, there was this girl who had come and talked to her. She had seemed intimidating at first. Eva barely remembered what they had talked about, since she had been so affected by Ingrid’s words. But she remembered her hair, short, blond, straight with a little curl at the end. She was also pale and on her pale face, red. Red like the lights that night. Red like blood but also like cherry. Like a distant touch on her lips. That night, she had talked to her just a little, but she had been nice and funny. Only for some minutes had they talked but Eva remembered. _Noora._

Eva turned around and looked for her laptop. She opened it slowly. What did she have to lose? Nothing, or everything.  Or nothing, or everything. What did she have to lose, what…did she…Noora…Sætre? Oh…so there she was. Eva moved on her sheet, shifted a little. Noora Sætre had a Facebook page and just like that, Eva had found her. She clicked on her profile image. Noora was smiling and laughing. She was…pretty. A different kind of pretty than other girls Eva knew. She was not Ingrid’s kind of pretty. She was not her kind of pretty. She was mature, intimidating, confident, gracious…she was on another level. The first thing she thought of was that she emanated determination, like she was full of nerves and boldness. Like a woman, not a girl. Like the embodiment of _dominance._ Eva realised that she had been keeping her breath in. So she let it out.

Slowly, she closed her laptop. She felt weak. Compared to Noora…compared to her, Eva was weak. Again, she put her face on her pillow and breathed in. What was she thinking? A simple joke from her and she thought that she could…become her friend or some sort? Ah… Funny.

She closed her eyes. The only thing sure as of that moment was Jonas. He was the only thing she had going on for her. And so, she thought about him and about the cabin. And even if she didn’t want to admit it, she thought about Ingrid too.

And even if she didn’t quite understand it, she thought about red. Cherry red.

*

Noora

The days after the party, Noora read some books and listened to some music. She hadn’t met anyone at the party other than Eva. Apparently, it was a failure, based on the lecture she had received from her flatmate. It was funny. They didn’t know each other that much, only some months, but Eskild was the kind of person who feels like home at first glance. He was nice and funny and brutally honest, which was weird but refreshing. It kept Noora interested. And the first thing he had said when she had told him about the party was that _she needed to talk to that girl, Eva, if only for her sake._

The thing with Noora was that she did not save people. Of course, there was the fact that them being both girls, she wanted to help each other in the name of sisterhood or what not, all that jazz, etc. etc. But nonetheless, she was not going to go out of her way to help someone she did not know or did not have any interest in. With Eva, she had been interested in her for a brief moment, for some reasons. But now, in the confront of her room, sprawled on her bed and looking at the white ceiling of her room, with a strand of hair between her fingers and a book on her stomach …she…ah…what was she thinking about again? Eva…right…suddenly, Noora thought about Eva’s hair and her heart shaped lips and her provocative look that night and the distress in her eyes and the small blush on her cheeks and also her makeup. And Noora laughed.

Could she ever make a makeup like that work? It would look grotesque on her, absolutely grotesque and weird. Like a clown, probably. But on her… god. Some girls were so lucky to be able to be beautiful  with makeup on and with no makeup on. She knew Eva was beautiful naturally because she had happened to see her in Spanish class with no makeup on and the first thing she had thought that day was that she looked so naïve, in a good way. She looked youthful and jovial, although maybe sad at the moment, she looked like a girl who smiled a lot and made other people smile. Her simple traits made her look beautiful so effortlessly.

Noora turned around on her bed and shoved her head on her pillow. Her room felt hot and warm, but she did not feel like opening her window. She slowly took her book and put it in front of her. She was going to read this sentence now.

But…Eva was kind of boyish, if she thought about it. The few days she had noticed her she was wearing large t-shirts and flannels on top of them It wasn’t exactly Noora’s style, but it fit her. It was also one of the reasons why she had been so taken aback when she had seen her at the party, being all dressed up.

Noora turned around again, looking at the white ceiling. So, she was interested in Eva. She sighed. Noora wanted to make friends, anyway. Why not try with her? Well, she would see. If she felt like it on Monday. She probably wouldn’t, but if she did, well….

She put the book on top of her face and sighed again. It had been so long since she had made a friend, she didn’t even know how friendship worked anymore.

She didn’t remember it taking so much energy though.

It was amusing.


	2. ''I like you now. And I’m proposing to be friends.''

Eva

After the fiasco of the cabin, Eva had the same two things on her mind: Jonas and Ingrid. And those things, those persons, were making her head hurt. Alone in her room, yet again, she was trying hard not to cry. She had been crying for some times now, hours probably. Her eyes were red, a Kleenex box was lying on her bed next to her, and her laptop was on her thighs.

It was close to 6 PM as she was navigating on her Facebook page. During the weekend, Jonas had been such a pain: lying to her, smoking with Elias and overall being unpleasant. Now, Isak had told her that he was probably entertaining a relation with Ingrid. Everything was falling apart.

This is what could have explained her impulsive decision of sending a friend request to Noora on Facebook. Eva didn’t know what she was thinking about, didn’t know why this anger led her to Noora, but it did. And right now, as she realized that Noora had accepted her friend request, she felt glad in some ways.

Slowly, she breathed in and breathed out. _Noora Sætre has accepted your friend request_. Ok…She clicked on her facebook page yet again, her heart beating faster and faster. Those two days with no answer had made her feel anxious but the wait only made the notification so much better, like a victory, like something sweet, like cherry.

This time, Noora’s page was opened to her eyes. Like a book for her to read. She went directly to her pictures. There she was, smiling in some pictures, a neutral face in some others. Short hair in the recent pictures, longer in the oldest pictures. Eva knew then, she wanted to be her friend. She wanted to talk to her and feel somehow like her equal.

She opened the chat box and started typing. _Congratulation on having me as a friend, girl_.

No, no, no. She closed her eyes and erased it completely. Noora was mature, she was above that. Right? Eva breathed again. As she was preparing herself to type something new, she accidentally pressed _H_ and sent it. Suddenly, she felt like such a kid. She wanted to write something that made her look good, not …weird. _I wanted to write Hi, but I accidentally typed H, ahah._ The next seconds were stressful, to the point where she had completely forgotten everything else.

Noora sent her a thumb’s up emoji.

She felt crushed.

It was only later that she realized that there was another notification on her Facebook messenger. Jonas had written to her. Well, she’d have to sort this out.

* 

Noora

Monday had come and she was still debating rather she was going to pay attention to Eva or not. She had received a message from her on Facebook and then nothing. Although the _H_ message was somehow clumsy, she felt it had been authentic, funny. Well, the funniest part was seeing how Eva had freaked out about it. As Noora walked her way through Spanish class, she wondered if Eva would have the courage to come and talk to her. It was weird, the way she had to push everybody to some kind of bar she would set, but she couldn’t waste her time on people who didn’t really interest her. And somehow, the tests kept her interested. And Eva was being tested; if she could come to Noora and befriend her, than Noora would play along.

But she knew, inside, that either way she would try and talk to her. If only to make fun of her clumsy comment and see how she would react. Because one of the things Noora liked to do was to make other people uncomfortable, and she often was able to do so.

She sat down at her usual place next to the window and arranged her hair. With her chin resting on her palm, she slowly looked over the door and saw some students entering the room. Some boys and Eva. Eva who was dressed with a large t-shirt and a red flannel. Eva whose redhead was messy underneath her brown Beanie.

Noora didn’t know if the lights were altering her expression, but she looked nervous. It was confusing but also exciting. With some hint of guilt, she thought about being more emphatic. She didn’t know the girl. She didn’t know what was happening in her life, maybe she was stressed out about something else. Surely she was… but then again…Noora felt excited about the prospect of talking to her. She felt a little nervous too. So seeing Eva nervous like she was…it was exciting.

 Eva looked at her and immediately looked away. Ah. So she couldn’t even say hi? How disappointing…

Noora turned around and looked at the front of the class. Seconds later, she felt someone next to her and instantly thought, _I knew it!_ But it was not Eva. Actually, it was a boy smiling at her, saying something she did not bother catching.

Still. _She knew it_. Eva was just behind him but had retracted herself at the last minute. Ah! So she had tried. She had been interested too. Ah! so she had passed, alright. Noora stood up and moved away from the boy. She smiled at Eva and sat next to her.

‘’I’ll sit her’’, she said with a raised eyebrow, daring her to say otherwise.

Eva didn’t react at first but then she smiled, a small smile.

‘’Ok’’, she whispered. ‘’Hi’’, she added, smiling bigger.

Noora tilted her head to the side, surprised, with both her eyebrows raised. Eva was blushing a little, enough for her to notice anyway. Was she embarrassed? How adorable.

‘’Hi’’, she replied back, taking her things off her bag. ‘’Or should I say H?’’

Eva laughed at that, more at ease. ‘’HH’’, she replied.

They both laughed together. As she turned away to look at the front of the class, Noora bit her lips, blaming herself. She could feel her wanting to become Eva’s friend now. Slowly…slowly, she thought. She had to take it slowly. She didn’t want to lose control, she had to know how much interest she could give and receive.

Still, it was alright. She had a test; Eva had passed. Eva was funny and she had laughed warmly. Plus, the Beanie she was wearing made her look good. Noora could see each other becoming friends. She was far from losing control.

*

Eva

Noora was not what she had expected. Noora was better. She was different in a good way. Up close, in the light, Eva thought that she was impossibly beautiful. Her blond hair contoured her visage like some painting done minutely. Her long teeth were so white and her little round nose kind of cute. Also, she had big eyes. Incredibly big blue eyes. They were somehow hypnotizing but also beautiful. She dressed well too and her blue blazer only made Eva think of one word: _confidence._

Eva still thought that Noora could talk over anyone. She thought that she was so smart she could contradict anyone, just like she had done with the Spanish teacher when she had made a mistake. She now thought that Noora could help anyone, in some kind of ways, just like she had helped her in Spanish class too. And now, Eva thought that Noora could become friends with anyone since so many people seemed interested: this guy who had seated next to her at the beginning of the class or even other girls who had said hi to her as they had walked to their different classes. The thing was… she didn’t seem to care. She could befriend anyone but wouldn’t because, Eva had realized, she was a little selective.

And yet, she was eating with her.

It was their eating break and they were both seated at a table close to the principle window, eating their lunch. Next to Noora, Eva was eating some sandwich she had done this morning while Noora was eating a salad.

They had been talking about the school for a while but the conversation had been kind of slow after that. Eva wanted to talk freely but she didn’t know if she would sound immature next to Noora. When she had talked, she had analyzed Noora’s expression and Noora was often frowning to what she was saying. If not frowning, she had this sarcastic smile on her face or her head titled to the side, something like a mocking gesture. It was a little intimidating, Eva had to admit. So she only spoke when she was sure she wasn’t saying something stupid, when she was sure she was being mature. Which…she learned rapidly, was pretty much rarely.

‘’So you have a boyfriend?’’, Noora asked after she had finished eating and put her red lipstick on again, with her eyes staring at herself on her small mirror.  

Eva barely understood what she had said but when she did, she made a surprised expression and busted out laughing. Confused as to why she was suddenly laughing, Noora frowned, her eyes following Eva’s movements, never stopping with her lopsided smile.

‘’Did I ask something funny?’’

‘’No’’, Eva said, ‘’it’s just…you know, how do you know that I have a boyfriend?’’

Noora titled her head again as if to ask ‘does it matter?’. She sighed.

‘’Your Facebook’’, she admitted.

‘’You stalked me?’’, Eva asked brutally. ‘’ _You_?’’

She had pushed Noora just a little bit with her shoulders in her surprise, forgetting her mature composure completely. Noora only shook her head, clearly annoyed.

‘’I didn’t _stalk_ you’’, she said every word distinctly. ‘’I simply… conducted a little research for…my general culture. Ok?’’

Eva busted out laughing again. This time, she took her Beanie and shoved her face into it and rested on the table while she laughed and laughed.

 She could hear Noora’s annoyance as she was sighing loudly next to her, but she couldn’t stop laughing. Not only had Noora taken the time to view her facebook page, but Eva knew she must have stalked her. The thing with Facebook was that, with the story behind Ingrid and Jonas…Well…She hadn’t dared to post many pictures or posts about their relationship. She wasn’t ashamed or scared. She was simply…cautious of not putting herself out there, so publicly out there. What if the girls would comment on their pictures together? What if those pictures would hurt Ingrid’s feelings? She knew better than to play with fire and so she had only put one picture of Jonas, a picture between so many other pictures. A picture dating of months ago.  A small little picture with one small little heart emojie to make it official. And that was that. Other than that… no official statutes… no  relationship modification… no nothing.

So Noora had looked through all her family pictures, all the memes and all the stupid posts to find that picture. That was hilarious and surprisingly reassuring. They were similar to some extent.

‘’I’m sorry’’, Eva said after she was done laughing. ‘’I just thought you were _so_ mature..’’

Noora grimaced at her and Eva smiled at that.

‘’I am mature.’’

‘’Of course, of course’’, Eva said. ‘’You actually stalked me though? That’s cool’’, Eva added seriously. ‘’I did too.’’

‘’Really, now.’’ Noora said.

Eva nodded happily.

‘’I thought you looked great with this haircut!’’ she said joyfully.

Noora touched her hair and smiled calmly at Eva.

‘’I loved the way you dress too’’, Eva added looking at her blue blazer.

Noora stared at her again, unsure of what to say.

‘’Aren’t you going to compliment me?’’, Eva asked.

Noora snickered. ‘’Should I?’’

Eva looked at her encouragingly. ‘’I’m almost hurt Noora!’’

Noora laughed. ‘’I like your hair,’’  she said touching it. ‘’I barely saw redhead in Spain, not like that. It’s different.’’

‘’In Spain? You lived in Spain?’’

Noora nodded as she let go of Eva’s hair.

‘’Woa! No wonder your Spanish is so good.’’

‘’And yours so bad,’’ she added with a smirk.

Eva touched her hair and looked at Noora again, as if remembering the compliment. ‘’Thanks.’’

‘’It’s a shame you always hide it with your hat.’’

Eva frowned. ‘’I like my Beanie.’’

‘’I like it too,’’ Noora smiled.

Eva looked at her Beanie. ‘’Do you want to try it on?’’

Noora titled her head again, but this time, Eva didn’t feel so nervous about it. It wasn’t so intimidating.

‘’Me? With a Beanie?’’ Noora said curiously.

‘’I should give you a makeover. You with my clothes. It’d be so fucking funny!’’

Noora raised her eyebrows and then hummed seriously thinking.

‘’But then you would wear mine?’’

Eva blushed a little bit. ‘’Ah,’’ she said nervously. ‘’It wouldn’t fit me.’’

Noora laughed at that. ‘’I’m sure it would. Let’s try it?’’

When Noora started taking off her blazer, Eva’s subtle blush became more visible. Soon,  two patches of red were clearly resting on her cheeks.

‘’Don’t,’’ she said shyly. ‘’Noo-ra!’’

Noora was laughing so loudly. ‘’What’s wrong, it’s your idea. Hey, let me try your Beanie and you try this little blazer on, hum?’’

Eva didn’t have the time to say no when she felt Noora’s hand touching her. She was trying to take off her flannel but Eva half laughing half pushing her away made it difficult. After some time, Noora moved away and put her chin on her hand, staring at Eva with a smile. She was waiting for her to take off her flannel by herself.

‘’You’re ridiculous,’’ Eva laughed.

She took off her vest and put it on the table. ‘’Happy?’’

Noora nodded silently. ‘’Very.’’

Eva put her blazer on and moved her arms so it would fit better.

‘’I think I’m a little bigger than you,’’ she said laughing as the blazer fit just perfectly wheras it was a size bigger on Noora.

‘’It fits you perfectly,’’ Noora said smiling. ‘’I like it, you look good.’’

Eva nodded too, in a humoristic kind of way. ‘’I feel….more mature. How do you say, cooler?’’

‘’You’re kidding, you’re the one who dresses cool. All fashion.’’

‘’Me? No way! You dress all fashion, I’m all…bleh. You should hear what my mom says about my clothes.’’

‘’You should hear what mine says.’’

Eva laughed. ‘’What does she say? That you look good and so fashionable? That you’re _lovely_ and beautiful?’’

‘’She says I look old.’’

Eva laughed again and looked at the blazer. ‘’But she doesn’t get it though. She doesn’t get your style. I love it. Mine says I dress like a boy.’’

Noora looked away at that, biting her lips.

‘’You thought that too!’’, Eva pointed an acusing finger at her.

‘’I think it looks nice. I thought about that too, but so what? It fits you.’’

When Eva didn’t answer for a while, Noora took her Beanie from the table. With a pained sigh she looked at it contemplatively.

‘’I’m guessing it’s my turn, isn’t it?’’

‘’It is!’’

Noora caressed the hat, put it under the light and evaluated each details of it.

‘’Oh, just put it on’’, Eva said.

‘’I will, I will. Don’t push me.’’

And she put it on. Eva looked at her with an eye closed, got closer to her, arranged some blond hair that got on her face and finally frowned.

‘’It really doesn’t fit you.’’

‘’How disappointing…’’

‘’Let’s head back to our lockers?’’

Noora took off the Beanie and put it on the table. ‘’Sure.’’

After Eva put her flannel back, they headed to the lockers. During their walk, Noora was quiet. She still had the ghost of a smile on her lips. But more importantly, she was staring at Eva and so was Eva, with a jovial look. The thing was… Noora was recalculating. She hadn’t expected Eva to be so mocking under her shy pretence. She hadn’t expected her to look at her directly in her eyes, like she was doing right now, and actually holding her gaze. But she was doing it, only one day into their new friendship. And Noora liked it.

‘’You’re great, Eva’’, Noora said with a nod as they were next to her locker. ‘’I like you.’’

‘’Really?’’

‘’Yup’’, Noora added as she opened her locker. ‘’And I’ll be honest’’, she added, ‘’I did stalk you. I know you have a boyfriend, his name is Jonas. And I also know you are alone in this school. So, want to be friends?’’

‘’Eh’’, Eva said hesitantly, ‘’I’m not _alone_ -alone. I do.. have friends…’’

She was blushing again and she wasn’t looking at Noora.

‘’I lived in Spain for some times, that’s why I don’t have friends’’, Noora continued. ‘’What’s your excuse?’’

Eva frowned and glanced at her.

‘’I do have friends.’’

Noora took a book from her locker.

‘’Your boyfriend’s friends don’t count’’, she joked. ‘’Neither does he.’’

‘’Says who?’’

‘’Me’’, Noora said smiling.

‘’Everything you say goes?’’ Eva looked a little pissed off suddenly.

‘’No. Of course not’’, Noora said slowly. ‘’I was kidding... So, want to be friends?’’

Eva looked away, a blush creeping on her neck again and soon on her cheeks.

‘’Why are you blushing?’’

‘’What?’’ Eva said, trying to hide her face by looking away again. ‘’I’m not…’’

‘’Ev-a’’, Noora said, irritated.

‘’Fine’’, she answered. ‘’I just thought…you and I, we’re so different.’’

‘’So?’’

‘’So, nothing.’’

‘’Speak your mind, girl’’, Noora pressed.

Ah, Noora had maybe been a little too harsh. Eva was staring at her with her big eyes and her mouth opened a little, like a confused kid. She was silent and still. Noora sighed and looked up at the ceiling, sideway and sighed again. Why was she doing all of that? It’s true that they were different. Eva was too nice. Noora was too harsh. She was written to hurt her, some ways or another. But…during lunch…she had had such a good time. She had felt good, laughing and smiling with Eva and she wanted to do it again and god, Eva had looked so good with Noora’s blazer…Noora closed her eyes, embarrassed by that last thought. She opened her eyes again. Maybe it was time to end this. Whatever this was.

‘’I don’t….I don’t know why you would be interested in being friends with me’’, Eva whispered suddenly.

Noora decided to let her speak.

‘’I ruin every friendship’’, Eva looked up a little, her eyes staring at Noora’s for a second, and then she looked down again.

After a while, Eva sneered, playing with her Beanie on her head.

‘’You’re right. I don’t have _friends_. They all hate me, that’s why.’’

Noora blinked and made a grimace at her confession. She had gathered that much.

‘’That girl at the party?’’she asked.

Eva nodded. When they looked at each other again, it was uncomfortable. Noora closed her locker at once and positioned her body so she could face Eva.

‘’Look’’, Noora said, placing a chunk of her hair behind her ear, ‘’ you are a nice person.’’

Eva frowned at the compliment.

‘’I’m saying, are we different? Yes. Did you maybe do something bad before? I don’t know. I don’t care. I like you now. And I’m proposing to be friends.’’

Eva laughed at that. ‘’You sound like you’re making a contract.’’

Noora nodded. ‘’Maybe I am?’’

‘’Oh?’’ Eva looked at her, fainting surprised.’’ I’m a contract?  You’re a businesswoman?’’

‘’Of course and of course. I’m dealing with serious business here', Noora added with a smile after faking a serious expression.

‘’Friendship is serious, you’re right’’, Eva whispered. ‘’Plus you have the clothes…’’ she added touching Noora’s blue blazer.

‘’Hmm.’’

They looked at each other again and started laughing. This time it was comfortable. Completely comfortable.

Eva pretended to sign an invisible paper and gave it to Noora.

‘’I signed it’’, she laughed.

When Noora gave her an incredulous look, Eva pushed her Beanie into her.

‘’A gif?’’ Noora joked. ‘’Not sure it’s my style, but I like the gesture.’’

They both laughed at that.

*

Noora

At the end of the day, they were making their way out of the school. Somehow, they had talked so much, mostly about futile things like what TV shows Eva followed, what kind of music she listened to, etc. etc, but Noora had liked how Eva could carry a conversation. In fact, Noora had noticed that she could just look at her new friend and smile and Eva would talk and talk and talk. At some point, Noora would say a comment or laugh at her joke. And it was this. It was easy. It was simple. It was good.

She had never met a girl so open about everything. Sure, Eva had been reluctant at first, not talking a lot, almost as if she had been nervous around her. But now, Eva looked so happy and authentic… Noora only wanted to let her talk and talk and talk and maybe she would say _Ah!_ or _interesting_  or _Eva!_ but God she would let her talk.

Noora wanted to do something with Eva outside of classes. As they went down the stairs, Noora leaned on the wall and pointed at a black poster. She read it out loud.

‘’H as in, have you got a drug problem? Or maybe as in have you got plans tomorrow night?’’

When she was done speaking, she heard a voice behind them calling Eva. Suddenly Eva turned around and said _Hi!_ to the girl behind them, ignoring her comment completely. Noora sighed, but turned around too. A blond girl was there, smiling at them, looking a little nervous too. Immediately, Noora decided that she was not interested.

Maybe it was rude of her to think so, but the girl in front of them seemed like a ball of everything Noora didn’t like. Bad energy, bad thoughts, bad values. Everything she herself was glad she wasn’t. And when the girl presented herself as being Vilde, Noora visually made a line on this name in her head.

‘’Are you girls interested in my buss meeting tomorrow?’’

Noora blinked. ‘’You’re what?’’

‘’Buss meeting? For the most important event of our high school life! The Russebuss?’’

Noora rolled her eyes and turned away. She had heard about that tradition, but she was personally not interested. She would let Eva deal with this. Saying no nicely was not her fort.

‘’Hum’’, Eva started hesitantly. ‘’We…’’

As she was beating around the bush, two other girls came next to them. One was wearing a pink cap and the other one was…beautiful. God, she really was. Noora couldn’t look away. She smiled at her but the other girl only raised an eyebrow in defiance.

She was wearing a black hijab with louse black clothings. Her face was pale and her eyebrows dark, which only made her raised eyebrow more visible and menacing. Around her eyes, she had put black eyeliner and on her lips, dark lipstick. Noora thought she looked great. She looked like someone who didn’t care rather you liked her or not. She looked like she had principles she stand by and something radiant came out of her. Noora wanted to be her friends, that much was sure.

She realized then that the other girl, Chris apparently, was talking to Vilde. They seemed to know each other. When Noora turned towards Vilde, she only saw a stupid look in her eyes, one that screamed suspicion. Noora rolled her eyes.

‘’This is Sana, she wants to come to our Russebuss meeting,’’ Chris said joyfully.

Noora smiled at that. Chris seemed nice too.

‘’What?’’ Vilde said hesitantly. ‘’But what about your…but…’’ She confused herself in her words. ‘’I mean, aren’t you a Muslim? Can you participate in a Russebuss?’’

Sana raised her eyebrow again and Noora saw Vilde step back a little. Noora almost laughed and clapped. Honestly, this whole scene was hilarious. She had to concentrate to not smile at Sana’s expression.

‘’It’s actually punishable by death,’’ she said seriously.

Chris laughed loudly at that, her visage happy. Noora looked at Eva and they both smiled.

‘’ But…But, I know it’s not…And how did you meet her?’’ she said at last, looking at Chris.

As Chris was about to speak, Sana rolled her eyes and spoke over her.

‘’We met at a Ramadan program.’’

 Chris laughed even louder but Vilde was still confused. Noora could see her trying to work something in her mind to refuse Sana’s presence at her Russebus meeting. Calmly, she turned towards Vilde and looked at her as she said:

‘’I’ll come if Sana comes.’’

She saw Sana raise an eyebrow again and she did the same thing. So that was that. They would get to talk to each other that way.

‘’I’ll…come too,’’ Eva said confused at Noora’s sudden interest.

‘’Great!’’ Sana said as a way of conclusion. ‘’Where are we doing it?’’

‘’We can do it at your house?’’ Noora said to Vilde.

‘’Hm…Actually I can’t. My mom…She’s doing something with her friends.’’

‘’We can do it at mine,’’ Eva said. ‘’It’s cool.’’

‘’Nice!’’ Chris said. ‘’Tomorrow at seven PM?’’

‘’Tomorrow at  seven PM,’’ Vilde confirmed. ‘’We will be having our first Russebuss meeting!  How exciting!’’


	3. ''I'm a prude?''

Eva

It was close to 6 pm and Jonas and Isak were talking next to her about something that had happened the day before, apparently. Seated next to them at the skateboard park, Eva listened, only half paying attention to their words. She didn’t know how to say it nicely, but she really wanted to spend time alone with Jonas, without Isak. Of course, Isak was her friend and she liked him a lot, but since the cabin incident, she had realized that she hadn’t spent a lot of time with Jonas alone.

After everything that had happened at the cabin some days prior, Jonas had tried to call her and even messaged her on Facebook multiple times. It was only yesterday, after her meeting with Vilde and the other girls, that she had decided to reply. Almost immediately, Jonas had come to her house, had slipped in her room and had kissed her cheek.

She smiled remembering what he had said to her. That night, he had talked to her so beautifully. Jonas knew how to talk to her, she knew it. But that night, he had been eloquent, honest, hurt and most of all, so so sorry about how he had treated her at the cabin.

He had apologized for everything: inviting Elias, not realizing how strongly she cared about that week-end at the cabin and he had added, at last, that he was sorry that he had treated her in a way that had made it possible for her to think that he was having an affair with Ingrid, which, he had said, was _completely false_. She had accepted everything with open arms.

They had kissed, kissed and kissed and finally had made love. It had been beautiful and pure.

‘’Why are you smiling like an idiot?’’ Isak joked, touching her with a leaf that had fell on the grass.

She realized abruptly that she was still in the quiet park with Jonas looking at her questionably and Isak laughing at her face, poking her with the now broken leaf. With an annoyed frown, Eva pushed Isak’s hand away and sighed.

‘’ I am not…smiling like an idiot…’’

Slowly, she felt two arms surrounding her as Jonas got closer to her, kissing her ear and cheek.

‘’You guys are…always kissing...’’ Isak stated.

‘’You’re jealous you don’t get to kiss a beautiful girl like I do,’’ Jonas laughed in Eva’s neck. ‘’Like this.’’ He kissed her neck. ‘’And like this.’’  He kissed her nose.

Eva laughed too and turned around slightly so she could hug him better. She saw Isak roll his eyes and grimaced at them. It only made her smile even more.

The sun was about to settle down and around them a quiet atmosphere reigned. It was warm, although there was wind coming now and then. As she was kissing Jonas tenderly, she heard Isak in the background singing a sweet melody with his broken voice. She loved moments like those.

Suddenly, Isak stopped singing and pushed Eva with his foot.

‘’Hey!’’ she said confused.

‘’Didn’t you have that meeting with your new friends today?’’ he asked.

Jonas frowned at that. ‘’Right, what is this all about, anyway?’’

‘’Fuck!,’’ she said suddenly remembering. ‘’Oh, what time is it?’’

She took her phone and realized it was out of battery.

‘’Out of battery again?’’ Isak asked mockingly. He always mocked her because of that.

‘’No…’’ Eva lied. ‘’It’s just…Fuck you,’’ she laughed.

‘’It’s 6:40,’’ Isak said.

Jonas took her bag and gave it to her, making sure that she had everything.

‘’Are you really that into Russebuss that you’re going to talk about it now?’’, Jonas asked some time later as they were walking towards Eva’s house.

Eva looked at him silently. ‘’Everybody’s doing it, though.’’

‘’Does that mean that you have to do it too?’’ Jonas asked, curious.

Eva walked next to them, her eyes on the grass. ‘’I mean, I don’t mind.’’

Isak repeated her sentence mockingly.

‘’Shut up, Isak,’’ Jonas said.

He put his hands in the air in surrender and started playing with the flowers at this left, letting Jonas and Eva talk amongst themselves.

‘’Do you really think I shouldn’t go?’’ Eva asked quickly.

Jonas raised his eyebrows in surprised, frowned and stopped walking. He took Eva’s hands and looked at her gently.

‘’It doesn’t matter what I think,’’ he started. ‘’I mean, I think it’s bullshit and capitalism but you should do it if you want to, Eva.’’

‘’That’s why I’m doing it.’’

‘’Are you sure? That you want to?’’ Jonas asked  honestly.’’ I just don’t want you to follow what other people tell you to do. If you don’t want to do something, you shouldn’t….do it.’’

Eva sighed heavily and looked at the sky. It was dark outside, but the lamps illuminated the street.

‘’Yeah,’’ she said hesitantly.’’ I don’t fukcing know if I want to, it’s not that serious, I think. I just want friends.’’

Jonas nodded. ‘’I want you to have friends too. You’re way too fucking cool to be alone all the time,’’ he kissed her cheek.

Eva turned his head with her hand and kissed his lips more intensely. After she was done, Jonas laughed joyfully. 

‘’What was that for?’’

‘’You said I was fucking cool’’, she smiled.

‘’Duh,’’ Jonas said. ‘’You’re the fucking coolest person I know.’’

‘’Hum, thanks?’’ Isak was next to them again, his arms crossed, acting like he was offended.

‘’Only after Isak, of course’’, Jonas laughed.

Eva pushed Jonas and hugged Isak warmly. She kissed him on the cheek and played with his hair.

‘’Isak you’re so cute when you’re mad,’’ she said to him.

‘’I’m always cute’’, he pushed her hands away. ‘’You’re ruining my hair.’’

They all laughed at that. Walking together under the streets lights, they continued making fun of Isak’s hair and clothes and especially the way he sang until they were at Eva’s home.

Once they got closer, they could see some girls waiting for them, some calmer than others. Vilde was excitedly waving her hand towards Eva, while Sana and Chris were talking to each other. Noora was quietly standing next to Chris, listening to their conversation in a calm but attentive way. As they got closer,  Isak got closer to Eva and whispered something in her ear.

‘’Shut up,’’ she said to him. ‘’Don’t judge her, Vilde is a nice girl.’’

‘’She looks like she wants to shit and can’t wait for you to open the door,’’ Isak said and laughed with Jonas.

‘’Why are guys so fucking gross,’’ Eva said.

‘’That’s sexism,’’ Isak smiled.

‘’You’re sexist with the way you judge her like that,’’ Eva replied.

Suddenly, she felt Noora behind her and when she turned her head, they were close to each other. She didn’t have time to say anything; Noora was already talking to the boys.

‘’Sexist?’’ she said, an eyebrow raised. ‘’Who’s sexist now?’’

Isak and Jonas looked at each other and grimaced awkwardly. Isak even said something like _I was just kidding_ but his voice got lost under Vilde’s scream and Sana and Chris getting closer to them.

‘’Eva!,’’ Vilde screamed. ‘’Your house is beautiful! So many flowers! It’s beautiful! ’’

Isak laughed behind Jonas but this time, Jonas told him to stay quiet.

‘’What’s so funny?’’ Noora pressed, her head tilted to the side, looking at Isak in an unfriendly kind of way.

‘’Nothing, nothing,’’ Jonas said.

‘’Girls are always talking about flowers this and that,’’ Isak laughed.

‘’And what are boys always talking about that is so important?’’ Noora asked.

‘’Weren’t you the one touching the flowers earlier?’’ Eva pointed out, laughing.

Isak blushed. ‘’Only because you two were…fuck you Eva…’’ He waved his hands and made a peace sign. ‘’I’m out.’’

They all laughed at him. Sana even pointed to some petals that had slipped in his hair which made the others laugh even more. Before Jonas and Isak left, Eva made the presentations, presenting the girls and the boys in a happy way. She was happy they got along with each other. As he was about to go, Jonas whispered in her ears that he loved her and kiss her cheek goodnight.

Once they were gone, Eva apologized for her lateness and opened the door.

‘’Your boyfriend?’’ Noora asked Eva once the girls were all in and getting comfortable in the living room. Noora had stayed behind with her, in the house entry as Eva was getting her converse off.

‘’You already know,’’ Eva smiled from the ground, looking at her. ‘’Stalker.’’

Noora frowned at her, her arms crossed in a playful way. ‘’Eh, I thought I could play along,’’ she said calmly. ‘’By the way, stalker?’’

Eva stood up quickly and looked at her defiantly. In her movement, she hadn’t realize how close they were going to get, so she took some steps back and smiled a little, her ears pink of embarrassment. Noora smiled at that.

‘’You’re a stalker.’’ Eva repeated.

‘’How come I get to be called a stalker when you admitted to doing the same thing, Eva Kviig Mohn?’’

Eva laughed at that. ‘’Fucking hell’’, she said. ‘’You even know my last name?’’

‘’You don’t know mine?’’

‘’ …Sætre,’’ Eva admitted.

‘’Hm, so you do know mine,’’ Noora pushed her shoulder playfully and Eva stumbled a little before gaining control again. She stared at Eva while Eva stared back.

 ‘’Isak is a nice guy,’’ Eva said suddenly. ‘’He says stupid thing sometime, though.’’

Noora didn’t answer.

‘’Don’t hate him is what I’m saying, he’s my friend.’’

‘’Sure,’’ Noora nodded. ‘’What did he say about Vilde in you ear?’’

‘’Eh,’’ Eva sighed. ‘’That…she looked like a bimbo...and that she wasn’t my kind of friend…’’

Eva didn’t know what Noora was thinking about, but she saw her frown and look at Vilde from the corridor. Vilde was laughing at something Chris had said while Sana was making a grimace.

‘’That’s an awful thing to say,’’ Noora finally said. ‘’I talked to her today, she’s...different. Still, it’s not an ok thing to say’’

‘’Yesterday I thought you didn’t like her,’’ Eva admitted quietly.

Noora looked away and sighed. ‘’I mean, I’m not saying I love her.’’

‘’You didn’t even want to be here, right?’’

‘’I’m here because of Sana, she seemed cool,’’ Noora looked at Eva. ‘’And you.’’

‘’Me?’’

‘’I like you,’’ Noora said seriously. ‘’I talked with the girls during the lunch break, Chris is nice too.’’

Eva raised her eyebrows and smile timidly.

‘’You…Er…Yeah…’’

‘’Where were you at lunch?’’

Eva tilted her head, just like Noora usually did. ‘’Did we have a date?’’

Noora raised her eyebrows and looked away, smiling.

‘’I was with Jonas and Isak, eating.’,

‘’Hmm.’’

They looked at the other girls quietly. After some time, Eva turned towards Noora and smiled at her.

‘’Let’s join them.’’

‘’Sure,’’ Noora said.

*

 

Noora

It was close to 9 PM now. At first, they had talked a little about the Russebuss, well Vilde had and surprisingly, Sana had contributed by giving the idea that they should hook up with cool boys so they could have access to parties and cool people. Frankly, Noora didn’t see the interest and she was trying her hardest to not comment exactly that.

After spending lunch with the girls, she had realized that Sana and Vilde didn’t like each other so much. At first, she thought it was shoking how Sana didn’t hide it at all, but soon, she had found it amusing. Chris was simply always smiling, which reminded her of Eskild.

It was some times now that she had stopped listening to what they were saying. She only knew that they weren’t exactly speaking of the Russebuss anymore.

Noora sighed and looked at the clock on the wall. Honestly, she had only came for Sana and Eva. But even for them, she was getting bored. When she turned to the girls again, she heard Vilde talking about alcohol and getting drunk at their next party. She heard her talking about guys and making out and couldn’t help but to roll her eyes.

‘’Can’t you have fun without drinking?’’, she asked, unimpressed.

‘’Of course not!’’ Vilde cheered. ‘’Drinking is essential to having fun.’’

The girls were silent for a while, but Noora couldn’t’ believe it. Vilde was the epitome of a girl who got on her nerves, but her naiveté amused her to some degree.

‘’Why is that?’’, Noora asked mockingly.

She saw Eva glaring at her at the end of the sofa, with a warning look on her eyes, and responded with a provocative smile. Eva was too nice. Noora was not. Well, she was, but she was also not scared of asking questions. Eva rolled her eyes and pushed her body into the sofa, playing with her hair. Slowly, Noora turned her head towards Vilde. Apparently she had been talking again.

‘’It’s also fun! I want to make out with guys and you can’t really make out if you don’t drink!’’

Noora shook her head, shocked. She could only imagine her face: her eyebrows raised in surprise, her eyes opened wild and her mouth in a grimace like form.

‘’Vilde’’, she said slowly, like a mother to her child, ‘’you don’t have to drink to make out with guys.’’

Vilde frowned at her and sceptically looked at the other girls.

‘’Don’t look at me, I don’t drink and I don’t make out with anyone’’, Sana said in a hostile ton.

Noora had the feeling that Sana was sometimes too harsh with Vilde. Then again, she didn’t seem to like anyone but Chris, which was funny.

‘’I’m saying’’, Eva added, ‘’I kind of get it.’’

Noora turned her head towards Eva and raised a questioning eyebrow. Eva was sprawled  on the divan, looking comfortable and prepared to talk.

‘’I mean, I have a boyfriend now but when I didn’t, I’d make out with lots of people when I got drunk’’, she said looking at Vilde, smiling a little.

‘’And when you’re not drunk?’’ Noora asked.

‘’Not really.’’

‘’See!’’ Vilde said.

‘’I guess it’s just more easier’’, Chris added. ‘’It’s like, your exhibition or something?’’

‘’Exhibition?’’ Vilde asked.

‘’Inhibition’’, Sana said with a sigh.

‘’I don’t know’’, Chris laughed, ‘’ but it makes you think less so you just act on your instincts, you know. If you’re sober, you’re gonna think, no this is stupid. But drunk, you don’t really think.’’

‘’Exactly’’, Noora pointed. ‘’You really want to not think about it and just make out with the first boy you see?’’

‘’Yes!’’ Vilde said, exctited.

Noora shook her head again.

‘’I can’t believe it.’’

‘’What’s wrong with that?’’ Eva asked her.

Noora had her eyes closed, an incredulous expression on her face. She was getting tired of this conversation. Of having to spell respect to the other girls.

‘’What’s wrong?’’ She repeated. ‘’Don’t you girls respect yourselves?’’

Eva laughed a little, a genuine laugh. 

‘’Why would I not respect myself if I make out with a guy when drunk?’’

Noora rolled her eyes again.

‘’They only view you as a sexual object, and you let them? You have to know your worth!’’

Sana smiled at that and pointed at Noora.

‘’I like you’’, she said.

‘’Thanks’’, Noora said vehemently, glad to have some support. 

Eva moved from her position and sat down properly. She had a concentred look in her eyes.

‘’I disagree’’, she started. ‘’You can respect yourself and just want to fuck some guy one night and the day after you both forget about each other.’’

Noora smiled at her naiveté.

‘’You’re either naïve or blind if you really believe that you both are going to ‘forget about it’, Eva.’’

‘’Naïve?’’, Eva repeated mockingly, ‘’me?’’

‘’You think guys forget about you? They don’t. They go to their friends and talk about it. They have no concept of respect for girls who give themselves to them. If you know that and still decide to have sex with them, then you don’t know that you deserve to be treated right, which is what self-respect is about.’’

‘’That’s a double standard’’, Eva said. ‘’Why can’t girls do what guys do?’’

‘’It’s not because they do it that it’s right!’’ Noora answered. ‘’We should all respect ourselves, boys should respect us too. But we all know they don’t view us like we view them. Having sex means two different things for a guy and a girl, this is just a fact.’’

Vilde put both her hands up, demanding attention.

‘’Wow’’, she started. ‘’I don’t know what you guys are talking about…But. I was just saying that we can drink here first and get drunk for the party.’’

‘’Vil-de!’’, Noora cut her and then turned back to Eva. ‘’In an ideal world, it would be great if both men and women were treated the same way but in our society, it doesn’t work that way. And so, we have to think about ourselves and respect our body. Why act in a way that allows boys to treat us badly? We shouldn’t. Even if it means that boys can do what they want and get zero criticism.’’ 

‘’Do you never want to just make out with someone?’’ Eva asked, curious.

‘’Sure’’, Noora answered.

‘’And if you want it and he wants it, why would it mean that I don’t respect myself? Respecting myself means that I do what I want.’’

Noora looked at her in silence.

‘’I think that if society keeps forcing girls to not be sexual, with no choice, it’s a problem in itself’’, Eva said. ‘’Sex has nothing to do with you respecting yourself other than the fact that it’s what you’re being told.’’

Chris laughed and clapped at that.

‘’Nothing to do with respect?’’ Noora asked, exhausted. ‘’Eva, what about restraint? Control? Not acting on your ‘instinct’’’, she said imitating Chris. ‘’What about knowing you deserve to be treated right? We all know that by having sex we let guy view us as sex objects and we let them treat us wrongly because they will, after you have sex with them.’’

Eva raised an eyebrow, than shrugged.

‘’If you like being a prude, it’s your choice. But if I like kissing guys and getting drunk, it’s mine, right? Why should I restraint myself? Also, guys are not all like that, they aren’t all going to treat you wrongly. I know I deserve to be treated right and having sex has nothing to do with it.’’

Noora kept her silence but squinted her eyes.

‘’A prude?’’, she finally asked.

Eva, Sana and Chris laughed at her expression.

‘’I’m a prude?’’

‘’Sure you are’’, Eva said. ‘’You told me you don’t drink and now this.’’

‘’I just don’t see why everything has to be about sex’’, Noora concluded.

Sana hummed and Chris nodded again.

‘’Because it feels good?’’ Vilde proposed.

‘’Pretty sure you just told us you were a virgin’’, Chris laughed.

‘’It does’’, Eva says. ‘’But Noora is right, you don’t have to drink to make out with guys. If you want to, it’s fine. But you shouldn’t have to drink to be able to do it.’’

‘’I think that she shouldn’t do anything at all’’, Sana said matter of factly. ‘’The girl doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about.’’

‘’Which girl?’’ Vilde asked Sana.

‘’You’’, Sana answered exhausted. ‘’Do you even know who you want to make out with?’’

‘’Not really… anyone?’’

Noora rolled her eyes again and looked at Eva, as if to say that she was encouraging this.

‘’As long as it’s a hot guy’’, Vilde added seriously.

‘’You don’t know that’’, Chris said laughing. ‘’One moment you think you were getting it on with some hot guy and the next day you see the pictures and he was freaking ugly!’’

Eva and Sana laughed at that.

‘’Really?’’ Vilde asked, frightened.

‘’That’s what alcohol does to you’’, Chris confirmed.

‘’Amongst other thing’’, Sana said to scare Vilde even more. ‘’Like giving you acne.’’

‘’Just hope that it’s a guy’’, Eva mused. ‘’I mean, I don’t mind but sometimes I make out with girls and I don’t even realize it’’, Eva said thinking. ‘’Alcohol just makes me go out of it.’’

Noora stared at her and thought about her admission.

‘’Alcohol makes you make out with girls?’’, Noora asked curiously.

‘’I kind of just make out with anyone who’s hot that I see’’, Eva said, staring at her too.

The look they gave each other was strange. Noora was confused as to how someone could be so opened about their sexuality. No filter, no shame. And Eva…Eva didn’t get Noora’s reticence. She looked at her with a smile but Noora only stared at her eyes. Could Eva, who looked so innocent, be so opened and comfortable in her body? Then, she thought about Eva at the party the first time they had talked and envied her a little. She could never do that. Kissing a boy, drunk. Or kissing a girl.

Chris coughed and they both looked away. It was awkward. It was uncomfortable. Noora had getting way too heated during that conversation. Well. She just had to stay quit for a while, make this moment dilute and find some lies to say that she had to go home.

When she looked at the clock again, she saw Sana looking at her, just like she was able to read into Noora’s mind. Sana smiled a little smile and turned back to Vilde, trading her smile for a frown on her face.

‘’It’s decided then’’, Vilde concluded the meeting ten minutes later, ‘’I’ll make out with a hot boy at the next party!’’

‘’Weren’t we here for the Buss?’’


	4. ''Why is it so important to know who you are anyway''

Eva

She found herself kissing him more publically now. Like the day before at the park. Like she was doing right now. She knew everybody could see them, seated on the grass close to the school entry, enlacing and kissing each other tenderly, but she couldn’t bother caring at the moment. Jonas and her. It was all that mattered when they were together. It was warm and good. It was sweet and comforting.

She kissed his nose and moved away, smiling. He was smiling too. When she looked behind him, she could see them though. Ingrid’s friends, staring at her. Cursing her in their minds. How cruel most she look like in their eyes? Sometimes, she let herself think about it and she hated herself too. She couldn’t even look at herself in the mirror. She felt disgusting, like a backstabber, like a friend who you thought different, like someone she didn’t even know herself.  Like someone she hated too. But she was learning not to, slowly. She was trying to like herself again…

What if she would never be able to do it? What if she was doomed to hate herself more intensely the more she loved him?

She remembered how it had hurt at first, kissing Jonas, loving him. It was like… a burning feeling, a feeling that at time felt good, warm, accepting, beautiful. And at time, the same feeling that had made her smile and blush and enlace… made her cry and frown and distance herself from everything.

How could loving someone hurt so much? How could she continue living like this? Was their love so important? So beautiful? At what price could she love him? For how long?

‘’Hey,’’ she heard Jonas whisper ‘’It’s fine, Eva. Don’t pay attention to them.’’

Eva frowned at that. ‘’It’s hard when they look like they want to kill me.’’

Jonas sighed slowly and hugged her. She hugged him back but moved away after some times again. Frowning.

‘’What?’’ Jonas asked.

She looked at him in his eyes. Jonas hadn’t lost anything. He had Isak, he had Magnus, he had Elias and so on. He couldn’t understand her. He couldn’t feel how she felt. And to add to  this, what if he still had feelings for her…Like Eva still had for her too?

Thinking about it, it was naïve to believe that he could forget her so easily while she couldn’t do it herself. She missed Ingrid, every day. She always thought about her. Ingrid…before Jonas… Ingrid was the person she loved the most, her best friend, her confident. She was funny and kind and loving and beautiful. Eva knew it and Jonas  had known it too. How could he simply forget about her? How could she?

‘’What are you thinking about Eva?’’ Jonas asked hesitantly.

Eva looked at her feet and looked at him again. ‘’Nothing,’’ she said quietly. ‘’Don’t worry.’’

‘’You can…talk to me…’’

Eva smiled at him and touched his cheek with her hand. ‘’I know, it’s nothing I promise.’’

She saw Jonas look at her doubtfully but he didn’t push it. He had always known when to stop pushing. He had always been patient.

‘’Ok,’’ he said slowly. ‘’Kiss me?’’

She smiled again and did just that. It was heartbreaking this time. Like a ball of melancholy had formed in her throat and wanted out in a scream. Like her eyes couldn’t stop themselves and had to let it out too.

She was crying.

‘’Eva,’’ Jonas said a bit panicked. ‘’Hey,’’ he hugged her.

Eva was crying even more. She didn’t want to be so weak, to feel so powerless, to ruin everything once again. But she couldn’t stop herself. The tears were flowing and flowing and she had no control over them.

Jonas let her cry while whispering sweet words in her ear. After some minutes, she calmed herself. She didn’t know if the girls were still looking at her. She didn’t want to know. They would probably be smiling because she knew how much they wanted to get a revenge on her for what she had done to Ingrid. After all, Ingrid had always been loved by everybody while Eva had always been the outcast. The abnormally.

‘’You need to think about something else, Eva. I don’t like seeing you so sad.’’

She laughed a little. ‘’Yeah…’’

‘’What about the girls? How was yesterday?’’

‘’It was two days ago,’’ she corrected.

‘’Oops,’’ Jonas smiled. ‘’How was it then?’’

Eva looked at him with her big eyes and lips closed. She sniffed  and wiped her tear away.

‘’It was fun,’’ she said finally.

Jonas smiled warmly. ‘’Yeah?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Eva laughed. ‘’It was weirdly fun.’’

‘’What was the most fun?’’ Jonas asked curiously.

Eva tought about it.

‘’The girls are so different from each other. At first, I thought it was…weird.’’ She said thinking. ‘’But it’s just funny. Fucking hell,’’ she said thinking of Vilde and her plan ‘’ there’s Vilde who just wants to make out with guys and then,’’ she continued laughing ‘’ Noora who’s exasperated. And then Sana who’s always making fun of Vilde and Chris who’s just always smiling and telling jokes...’’

Jonas was smiling at her too and slowly, he caressed her cheek. ‘’That’s awesome…And you?’’ he asked.

‘’Me?’’

‘’Yeah, how do you fit with them?’’

She froze. ‘’ I.. don’t know.’’

Jonas frowned a bit. ‘’You don’t know your personality?’’ he laughed.

Eva didn’t think it was funny. ‘’Do I need to know, for fuck’s sake.’’

‘’I was only kidding.’’

‘’Why is it so important to know who you are anyway,’’ she mumbled.

Jonas didn’t answer to that.

‘’Like…can’t I just be there and just…chill…why do people keep asking me who I am and what I want….’’

‘’Eh,’’ he said after a while. ‘’Forget it….’’

They looked at each other silently after that.

‘’Do you want to hang out Friday? Together?’’ Jonas asked calmly.

Eva smiled at him. ‘Yeah. We could go to the movies?’’

Jonas shrugged. ‘’I thought we could just stay at yours and…you know’’ he smiled.

Eva didn’t mean to, but she suddenly thought about what Noora had said two days prior. She thought about how in Noora’s opinion, boys mostly only wanted sex and didn’t really care for anything else. Eva smiled at Jonas still.

‘’Sure,’’ she said. ‘’Friday we can stay at mine.’’

‘’Friday?’’

She turned around to see Noora staring at her and then looking at Jonas and then at her again. Noora who was wearing this black blazer with a white blouse and black pants. Noora who looked so pretty in the sun. Noora who was smiling at her now.

‘’Did I scare you?’’ she whispered next to Eva.

Eva didn’t know why she couldn’t stop staring at Noora. From behind her, she found that many people were simply staring at her too. She knew Ingrid’s friends had wanted to talk to her. Everybody wanted to. And somehow, she felt good about it, talking so publically to her, in front of everybody.

‘’Hm,’’ Eva snapped out of it. ‘’No, no. Not scared.’’

Noora nodded. ‘’Hey,’’ she said to Jonas coolly.

‘’Yo,’’ Jonas said.

Noora turned back towards Eva and looked at her eyes. Eva could see that she was staring at her red eyes and that she understood why her eyes were red. Fortunately, Noora pretended not to see.

‘’You’re making plan for next Friday, I hope?’’ she said curiously.

‘’No?’’

Noora tilted her head. ‘’You want Sana to kill you? And Vilde?’’

Suddenly, Eva remembered about the party they were trying to attend this Friday.

‘’Fucking hell!’’ she said. ‘’I completely forgot!’’ She turned to Jonas. ‘’Hm, there’s this party the girls want to go to…it’s hm…Friday?’’

Jonas smiled. ‘’It’s fine. If you want to go.’’

‘’I mean, I don’t really want to go…and we had plans together…’’

‘’You decide though,’’ Jonas assured her. ‘’You’ll tell me what you chose.

‘’How cute,’’ Noora said behind them, a raised eyebrow  on her face.

Eva looked at her and saw her smirk mockingly at their interaction.

‘’I’ll think about it,’’ Eva said to Jonas. ‘’I probably won’t go though, I want to hang out with you Friday.’’

Jonas nodded and took his bag from the grass.

‘’I need to go,’’ he said a frown on his face due to the sun. ‘’I’ll text you later, ok?’’

Eva nodded too and kissed him on the lips.

‘’Bye,’’ Noora sang when Jonas left forgetting to say anything to her.

Jonas turned towards her while walking and gave her a small nod.

When they were only the two of them, Eva turned towards Noora and looked at her calmly, silently.

‘’You guys are cute,’’ Noora said grinning.

Eva frowned. ‘’Why do you act like that with him?’’

She saw Noora’s expression change from a cool one, an aloof one, to a surprised one.

‘’Act like what?’’

‘’Like you don’t like him.’’

Noora laughed honestly and put her hand on Eva’s back, directing her towards the entry. Eva only looked at her but followed her movement.

‘’You mock him...’’

‘’Hmm…’’

‘’Noora,’’ Eva sighed.

‘’Yeah, I do that.’’ She admitted. ‘’It’s just who I am, though. So Friday?’’

Eva arranged some strand of her hair behind her ear. ‘’Eh, I don’t know.’’

‘’I thought we said we were going to the party for Vilde?’’ Noora asked.

At that, Eva couldn’t stop laughing. She remembered the day before, Noora had rolled her eyes when Sana had told her plan. They had to approach a guy and get an invitation to the party Friday. After that, the person who had the address would tell the others and from that point, they would try to befriend _cool_ people to be able to get in a _cool_ buss. Noora had not only laughed at the plan but had vehemently said that she would not talk to any guy. Chris had said she could do it and so had Vilde, but Sana had chosen Eva to do it, since she was the prettiest, apparently.

‘’I have a boyfriend,’’ Eva said slowly. ‘’They want me to flirt with…who again?’’

Noora laughed. ‘’Chris, I think.’’

Eva laughed. ‘’This is so stupid.’’

‘’It is,’’ Noora sighed. ‘’Don’t flirt with him then, we just need an address.’’

‘’We won’t get it without him though.’’

Noora looked around her. ‘’I’m sure we could ask around.’’

‘’This is too much effort,’’ Eva sighed too.

‘’Aw common,’’ Noora cheered. ‘’It’s actually pretty fun, I think. It’s still stupid, but interesting. Ah, look at them, they’re looking at us. Shall I ask them?’’

Eva turned around and saw Ingrid’s friend looking at Noora. When Noora smiled at them, they all smiled back. It was weird.

‘’They all hate me,’’ Eva whispered.

Noora turned her head towards her. ‘’Why do you say that?’’

‘’They are friends with Ingrid…the girl you saw at the party last week, yeah. They hate me.’’

She saw Noora looking at her with a blank expression.

‘’Never mind then, I won’t ask them anyting.’’

Eva stared at her too. ‘’If you asked, they would tell you.’’

Noora shrugged and passed her arm around Eva’s shoulders. Eva stopped breathing an instant. Noora was really close, so close she could smell her perfume.

‘’I choose you over them,’’ Noora whispered to her, her face close. Eva could feel herself blushing a little. It had been so long since someone has said something like that to her. And to add to this, it was Noora whom she looked up to a lot.

‘’I don’t know them,’’ Noora added. ‘’I just know that they hurt you.’’

‘’But I hurt them first,’’ Eva whispered slowly, just like a child admitting something bad. She felt so pathetic at that. But when she looked up, she saw Noora smiling at her calmly.

‘’So?’’ Noora asked honestly. ‘’Why do girls always have to hate each other? For guys nonetheless.’’ Noora sighed and took away her arm. ‘’An eye for an eye, right? This can only leave us blind, Eva. Girls need to support each other, and I’m supporting you.’’

Eva smiled at her. ‘’Thank…you.’’

Noora turned towards her and smiled again. ‘’I think we should try…uh, can’t believe I’m saying this…But we should try helping Vilde too.’’

Eva was genially shocked. ‘’I thought it went against your principles?’’

She saw Noora looking at her side with a concentrated expression on her face. ‘’I thought about it... Vilde…in some ways, reminds me of me…before. I think we can help her and if it starts with this obsession with making out with some guy, sure.’’

Eva nodded. ‘’And if she wants to sleep with them?’’

‘’It’s her decision. But I thought we could try and convince her not to lose her virginity to some loser before.’’

Eva pushed her a little. ‘’You are so nice Noora!’’

‘’Shhhhh,’’ she said annoyed.

‘’You really are. You are a softy. I didn’t think so.’’

‘’I put girls above my own annoyance, when they interest me. Vilde is interesting,’’ Noora mused.

‘’She’s fucking cool,’’ Eva nodded.

They looked at each other and laughed. While they were getting closer to the door, four girls put themselves in front of them. Eva recognized three of them from being Ingrind’s friends. They didn’t even bother looking at her, they went straight with Noora.

‘’Hey, Noora right?’’ one said.

Noora nodded at that.

‘’We are Irene, Lise, Eli and Cath. Well actually, my name is Catherine but you can call me Cath,’’ the girl smiled.

‘’Hi, Catherine,’’ Noora said reluctantly. ‘’Can we help?’’

Catherine looked taken a back a little, but her friend, Eli, pushed her a bit and smiled at Noora.

‘’We didn’t know if you heard about the party Friday?’’

Noora frowned. ‘’A party Friday?’’ she asked slowly.

‘’Yep, there are going to be a lot of second years boys,’’ Irene said.

Noora didn’t react at all.

‘’We thought, maybe you wanted to come with us?’’

Noora nodded. ‘’Thank you for the invitation, ladies,’’ she said with a smile. ‘’But, I have something going on Friday.’’

The girls looked at each other silently.

‘’But,’ Catherine started, having taken control of her thought again, ‘’ Hm, we are really interested in…hm…having you with us.’’

At the end  of her sentence, she was red on her cheeks. Noora couldn’t help but to smile at that.

‘’What for?’’ she asked.

‘’You’re so pretty,’’ Iren admitted bluntly, almost accidently, and then ‘’And, hum, you seem cool.’’

Noora nodded again, with a smirk on her face. ‘’Thank you,’’ she said. ‘’Thanks for the compliment. We need to go though, sorry.’’

As she was going to pass them by, Eva restrained her next to her. ‘’We…we will go to…to the party,’’ she said nervously.

Eva didn’t like those girls, but she had been thinking. She had…she absolutely _had_ to talk with Ingrid. Somehow, she never saw Ingrid outside and when she did saw her inside, Ingrid would never look at her. If her friends were going to the party Friday, so would she and Eva would talk to her then. It could be her only chance. Even if it meant that she would have to plead to those girls, even if it meant that she would have to listen to Ingrid’s hateful words…. she would do it… to talk to Ingrid. She would do it in a heartbeat.

She saw Noora staring at her, incredulously and clearly lost.

‘’Hm?’’ Lise finally said. She was giving Eva a vicious look. ‘’We asked Noora, not you.’’

Eva blushed at that. She could feel her entire face going red. She looked away, ready to just…disappear.

‘’But,’’ she tried.

‘’Nobody asked you,’’ Irene said. ‘’Don't you think you have done enough with Ingrid?’’

‘’She wants to steal all the boys at the party,’’ Eli said sarcastically.

Catherine sighed at their comments, telling them to stay quiet. ‘’Eva, try to understand,’’ she said calmly.

‘’Understand what?’’ Noora asked, ‘’ That you all gang up against one girl?’’

Catherine seemed shocked. ‘’You don’t get it Noora, you weren’t there before.’’

‘’But I’m here now,’’ she finally said coldly. ‘’And I’m saying I’m not interested,’’ Noora took Eva’s arm. ‘’Excuse us,’’ she almost had to push Eva in order for her to follow her. Eva was crushed, crying and apologizing.

When they got to the door, Noora turned her head towards Eva. Noora looked mad and determined.

‘’Eva, we will go to that party but fucking hell,’’ she grinded her teeth, ‘’I’m not asking them anything.’’

Eva nodded and sniffed. ‘’I’ll…I’ll do what Sana said…’’

Noora frowned. ‘’Chris?’’

‘’Yeah.’’

‘’And…what about Jonas?’’ Noora asked calmly.

Eva wiped her tears again.  ‘’I…I have to talk to her Noora. I just have to.’’

Noora nodded again and opened the door.

*

Noora

It was Friday night. Somehow, Eva had been able to talk to Chris and get the address of the party. As soon as they had entered the house, Vilde had disappeared with some guy. At first, Noora had rolled her eyes, but when Vilde had come back to them, smiling and laughing, she couldn’t help but to smile too. Noora was having fun, surprisingly. She was enjoying herself.

Next to her, she saw Chris and Sana dancing together, laughing, jumping in the air and smiling again. She joined them too. All around them, the house was packed of people.  Noora didn’t mind though. She felt good, happy.

The music was loud, a techno beat that made her move her body. She took Sana’s hand and moved with her. They laughed and soon, she was next to Chris, dancing with her too. She saw Eva alone, in a corner. She wondered if she had been able to talk to Ingrid. As the melody changed to something more upbeat she approached Eva. She put her arm around her waist and smiled at her once Eva turned towards her. She seemed a little tipsy. Like the first time Noora had talked to her, she had this air on her eyes. An annoyed look. Eva was also red on her cheek, her hair a little messy and her body slim, so slim, but so pretty, so beautiful, so perfectly fit for this short dress she was wearing. Noora approached her a little closer. Dancing. Moving her hands to the side of her body, moving Eva closer to her. Eva traded her annoyed expression for an amused one. She looked timid, but she smiled and suddenly, she moved closer by herself. They danced together, their body touching, Eva’s dress rubbing on Noora’s pants and body, and her hands touching Noora's blouse. And the music changed. It was sweet, a melody that made you want to embrace one another.

Noora heard Vilde and Chis laughing and when she turned to look at them, she saw them having fun. She danced and danced with Eva. The more they danced, the closer they got. When Eva was about to leave, Noora shook her head and brought her closer still. Slowly, Eva put her head on her shoulder and turned it so she could whisper something in her ear. _You don’t know how to dance_. Noora laughed at that. She didn’t! But still, she danced. She put her hands on Eva’s shoulders and slide them on her naked arms. Eva was red on her face. Eva was so pretty. Eva was whispering something in her ear again. _I’ll show you how to dance_. Noora raised her eyebrows and let Eva guide her.

She felt her hands on her waist, she felt Eva guide her to the side and turn and follow the rhythm of the sweet song. She didn’t see anything else, barely heard the people talking around them, only Eva looking at her and smiling and the sound of the melody ,a sweet sweet melody. Something that shouldn’t even be played at a party like that, Noora though, but _oh it fit the moment so perfectly._ Eva slide her hand again, lower than her waist. On her ass, up and down, again and again as she pushed her closer but Noora didn’t mind, she loved being close to her and so she followed and put her arms around Eva’s shoulders. Eva got closer again, asking Noora if she wanted a drink. _I don’t drink_. Noora saw Eva put something on her mouth, a pill, something so small she barely saw it. When Eva opened her mouth, Noora’s eyes were stocked on her heart shaped mouth. She followed those lips as they got closer to hers. She let them touch hers. She let Eva’s tongue move in her mouth, she let the pill move in her mouth too.

At first, she didn’t feel any different, but then she could feel every movement from Eva, everything. From her fingers on Noora’s hair, to her leg pressed between hers, to her tongue clumsily playing with Noora’s tongue. Clumsily dancing with hers. Eva kissed her, even after the pill was long gone. She kissed her tongue; she kissed her mouth, she kissed her pale skin. She kissed her with her mouth opened and kissed her with her mouth closed. It was overwhelming. Noora took some step back but Eva followed, her mouth on her still, never letting go.

Her heart beating fast, Noora kissed her back and as she moved her head to the side Eva’s mouth followed, her tongue kissing the side of her mouth, her mouth wild open, missing her lips, kissing her chin, sucking on her neck. Noora steped back again,painting, caressing Eva, but soon, she was pressed on the wall. She gave up completely, sighing happily, smiling sweetly. She let Eva pushed her on the wall harder, sucking on her neck, licking her skin, kissing her mouth. Suddenly, Noora put her hands under Eva’s dress. It was so overwhelming to do it, but she let her hands move on their onw. So fast, so good.

The music played on, and Eva caressed her hair, and Noora caressed Eva’s skin under her dress and Eva kissed her wildly, painting. It was fast and it was loud. Noora had her eyes closed, she couldn’t use that sense, she could only feel with her body. Feel Eva’s warmth under her fingers and feel her warm lips on hers and feel her intoxicating tongue dancing with hers. And the music changed again. Something like a buzz. Something   like a sound that kept bugging her. Something out of place.

Suddenly, Noora woke up, completely disoriented. She was painting and confused. When she looked around her, she realized that she was in her room, in her bed. It was not Friday, it was Thursday, she remembered now.

She looked at her side and saw her phone. She had seven texts from Eva. Another buzz. Eight. She sighed and sat down slowly.

What…What had she dreamed about? She was completely at loss words. She swallowed difficultly.

She could still feel it, feel the dream as if it had been true. Not only had it felt true but she had felt disappointed when she had woken up. Everything had been so overwhelming. She had never had a dream like that and frankly, she didn’t know why she had dreamed about that at all. About Eva? 

She frowned and stayed quite. Another buzz. It was Eva again, but she couldn’t face her right now.

She fell on her bed and closed her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie, I haven't read the chapters again and I just know that there are so many mistakes. Will do that later! This was the last chapter that I had written before....So!


	5. I’m not meant to be with anyone

Eva

Eva had received a couple answers from Chris on instagram. Now, she didn’t know what to do. Lying on her bed at 7:35, she kept texting Noora for some help, but Noora hadn’t answered even one of her text. She thought about texting the other girls, but somehow she felt embarrassed about asking this kind of help to the others. She couldn’t really see Sana helping her out. And Vilde, well Vilde was definitely not an option. As for Chris, she didn’t really know the girl so she would pass.

She sighed and put her head on her pillow. Outside, it was humid and warm, a combination she normally hated. But with the rain falling slowly against her window, it was like a lullaby calling her to sleep.

She took her cellphone and put it in front of her eyes. _Hey_. That was her first message. _Hi baby_. That was Chris’. She grimaced. Chris was the kind of boy she normally would hate. A douchebag, like some people would say. And yet…she needed his help. _You still there?_ He had asked thirty minutes after. This was two hours ago. After that, she had frozen.

Suddenly, her cellphone rang and she was surprised to see Noora’s number calling. She frowned at that, annoyed that she was only answering now. But soon enough, she felt childish about her reaction and answered the phone anyway.

At first, she was silent. She had thought that Noora was going to start the conversation. She had wanted an answer as to why she had not replied earlier, although Eva had clearly seen that she had seen her message. Surprisingly, Eva could only hear her calmly breathing. 

‘’Hum,’’ Eva started slowly. ‘’I can hear you breathing.’’

Noora sighed and it sounded like she was moving on her sheets.

‘’Yeah, so?’’

Eva laughed a little at that. ‘’So. Are you busy? Should I call another time?’’

‘’I called?’’

Eva smiled. ‘’Exactly! So speak.’’

Noora sighed again. ‘’I was busy early….’’ Noora said. ‘’Sorry about skipping you. But now I’m all ears. Any news about our Chris?’’

 ‘’He’s not _our_ Chris,’’ she stated. ‘’Also, I sent you screenshots…It’s…awkward.’’

‘’Why?’’ Noora sounded curious.

‘’Why?’’ Eva repeated mockingly. ‘’I have a boyfriend! And...also,’’ she hesitated, ‘’I don’t really know how to flirt? Plus, he’s not my type…’’

‘’I thought everybody hot was your type,’’ Noora mocked.

Eva ignored the comment.

‘’I wish I could just straight up ask him about the address.’’

She heard Noora laughing at her. ‘’Why can’t you? Just ask!’’

Eva frowned and actually thought about that. It was true. Why did she have to do all that flirting and talking? She could just ask.

‘’So, I’ll just ask if he knows the address to tomorrow’s party.’’

‘’Yep,’’

There was a silence again,

 ‘’But,’’ she started anxiously. ‘’What if he thinks I’m using him?’’

She heard Noora laugh again. ‘’Isn’t that what we are doing?’’

‘’But if I lead him on it will be less obvious.’’

There was another silence.

‘’Eva. Just ask,’’ Noora said.

When she didn’t hear any answer, she called Eva’s name.

‘’I’m still here,’’ Eva whispered

‘’I will come over yours and force you to ask him.’’

‘’Would you? Oh _please_ , come here and do it.‘’

‘’You’ve got to be kidding me,’’ Noora was obviously starting to lose her patience. ‘’Just do it!’’

‘’I can’t. I don’t know. It’s, uh…I feel like it’s wrong, you know. All of this.’’

‘’Eva,’’ Noora seemed to be hesitating too, but she finally said, ‘’Wait for me, I’m coming in 10 minutes.’’

*

Noora

‘’Give me your phone then,’’ Noora said as she sat on her bed. She was acting a lot more calmer than she really was. In fact, she almost didn’t know what had possessed her to come see Eva. Still, she knew she had to. Otherwise she would keep thinking about the dream she had had a couple hours ago and she didn’t want to.

As she sat on the bed, she saw Eva still standing up, pressed against her bedroom doorframe, looking at her. Weirdly enough, Noora thought about a painting. It looked like one. The room felt warm with the small yellow lights surrounding them and Eva’s redhead seemed so shiny.

‘’What?’’ Noora asked quietly.

Eva looked away and shifted a little. She then closed her door and sat next to Noora on the bed.

It was a while after that when she finally spoke. ‘’Did you not…’’ But she didn’t continue her sentence.

Noora looked at her friend silently, waiting for her to continue when she was ready.

‘’Don’t you want to know why they all hate me?’’ She finally asked, with a quiet voice too.

Noora hummed. ‘’Who?’’

Eva looked at her timidly. Her big eyes following Noora’s and her lips pressed in a thin line.

‘’Ah,’’ Noora said, looking away now. ‘’I don’t care, I told you.’’

Eva shook her head. ‘’You say that but people will associate you with me.’’

Noora stayed silent too. And then: ‘’So?’’

With a heavy sigh, Eva fell on her bed, hiding her eyes with her arm. ‘’God, god god,’’ she whispered. ‘’Fuck, I feel like I’m going to cry.’’

 Noora frowned at her reaction at first. She didn’t understand why Eva felt so sad and frustrated. She wondered…What had happened between them? Should she ask? No, probably not. But clearly, Eva wanted to talk about it with someone. She had Jonas, Noora thought.

Then again, she had seen the way Eva had looked at Jonas…She had seen the way he had looked at her. Both had looked lost in their feelings, as if they couldn’t understand each other.

_Should she ask?_

‘’I’m such a fucking idiot,’’ Eva pressed. She dropped her arm on the bed and looked at Noora briefly.

Her cheeks were pink and her eyes…

‘’What’s wrong?’’ Noora asked and she slowly lay down next to her on the other side of the bed.

‘’Ah,’’ Eva sighed. ‘’Good question.’’

‘’You can tell me,’’ Noora whispered. ‘’I won’t judge.’’

Eva looked at her again and this time stared. She looked like a lost kid, wondering if her mother was going to punish her. As she was going to say something, her phone buzzed. They both looked at it curiously and saw a notification.

‘’Chirs? Really,’’ Eva said rather annoyed. ‘’This fucking guy.’’

‘’What did he say?’’ Noora took the phone and swiped right. ‘’Oh, your password.’’

Eva fell on her bed again. ‘’Vava11’’ she said.

Noora looked at her and laughed. ‘’Really?’’

‘’Stop laughing…I made it when I was eleven and never changed it.’’

‘’Hmm…oh, he said he finds you _sexy_ in your photos.’’

Eva grunted. ‘’Fuck, now I can’t just ask him about the party.’’

‘’Sure you can, I’ll do it.’’

Eva moved close to Noora so quick; Noora smiled at her mockingly. ‘’Don’t. It’ll look weird. Just write something like _thanks you too_.’’

Noora looked at her with her head titled. ‘’You want to flirt with him? Is this a good idea?’’

‘’I know his type, believe me. He’ll just stop answering if he feels like he can’t get anything from me.’’

Noora rolled her eyes but typed what Eva had told her. ‘’Here.’’

‘’He’s writing something.’’

‘’Something  like _I can’t stop thinking about you_ I bet,’’ Noora laughed.

They both looked at the screen patiently. _You turn me on_.

‘’What an idiot,’’ Eva said. ‘’Write something, Noora. I don’t know.’’

‘’Me? You’re the expert, I don’t know how to do this.’’

Eva grunted loudly. ‘’Me neither!’’

‘’Ok, ok.’’ Noora glanced at her and then squinted her eyes. ‘’What about _do you want to meet up tomorrow?_ ’’

Eva hummed but nodded. She saw Noora typing just that.

 _Why not now_.

‘’Fucking hell!’’ Eva yelled and Noora couldn’t stop laughing. ‘’Write _I can’t now but tomorrow should be cool. I want to get wasted and see you_.’’

Noora made a grimace but nodded to that. ‘’Really smooth,’’ she added as she typed.

_Wasted uh? Interesting. But you seem like such a good girl._

Eva fell on the bed and screamed in her pillow. Taking pity on her, Noora brushed her hair slowly. She brushed them for some minutes before coming closer to her so she could whisper something in her ear.

‘’Do you want to stop?’’ she asked and moved away slowly.

Eva turned her head and looked at her. ‘’Nop,’’ she smiled. ‘’Hey, you don’t have your lipstick on.’’

Noora smiled too and after lying next to her again, she shrugged. ‘’I don’t. You want me to put it on?’’

‘’You look good,’’ Eva said.

Noora felt the phone vibrate three times but she couldn’t stop staring at Eva.

‘’Thanks,’’ she said slowly.

After another vibration, she put her hand up and they both read the new messages.

_Are you a good girl? I’m not._

_Good, I mean._

_Because I’m clearly not a girl._

_I’m a man._

Noora shook her head, laughing loudly. ‘’A man?’’

‘’Don’t bother. Just say _Depends on the situation. So, wanna hang tomorrow?_ ’’

Noora typed that and once she was done, put the phone on her stomach. ‘’This is hilarious, you realize?’’

Eva smiled at her, moving some of her hair off her face. ‘’Glad you’re having fun.’’

‘’Aw, we will laugh about that later.’’

_Sure, there’s a party I was supposed to attend to, though. Probably gonna skip for you._

Eva took the phone. ‘’ _A party? Sounds fun. Where is it going to be?’’_

Noora clapped. ‘’This is priceless.’’

‘’He sent a screenshot of the address! Fucking finally!’’

They both sighed after Eva texted Chris a last time and fell on the bed, heads on their pillow.

‘’You say you don’t know how to flirt,’’ Noora started while staring at the ceiling, ‘’but you do’’

Eva didn’t say anything for a while. Suddenly, she turned her head on her pillow to look at Noora.

‘’I thought you’d have been better at that,’’ Eva admitted in a whisper.

‘’Yeah?’’

They were both looking at each other now, Noora with a smirk telling of how funny she thought Eva’s last comment was.

‘’You…’’ Eva stopped talking. ‘’You’ve never had a boyfriend?’’

Noora raised an eyebrow. ‘’Why do you say that?’’

Eva shrugged, moving her hand towards her face so she could scratch her left cheek. Her big eyes were looking at Noora timidly, waiting patiently for her to speak.

‘’What do you want me to say, Eva’’ Noora asked slowly. ‘’I don’t know why you should care about rather or not I’ve had past boyfriends.’’

Eva smiled mockingly. ‘’Boyfriends then? Multiple?’’

‘’At the same time.’’ Noora corrected.

‘’Really!’’

‘’I’m a busy woman,’’ Noora closed her eyes but opened them immediately as she felt Eva approaching her. ‘If you must know, I’ve had one boyfriend before, I guess.’’

‘’Didn’t end well?’’ Eva asked curiously.

‘’I’d rather not talk about it.’’

‘’You’re difficult with boys.’’

Noora laughed at her comment and shoved Eva’s shoulder.

‘’No Eva. You are too easy.’’

For one moment, she thought that she had crossed a line with that comment but she saw Eva smile with both her eyebrows lifted.

‘’You make me laugh with your prude mentality.’’

‘’I’m not prude, Eva,’’ Noora corrected. ‘’I was also kidding.’’

‘’No worries,’’ she said smiling. ‘’Although I thought you, out of everyone, would understand that it’s a women’s choice to do what the fuck she wants with her body.’’

‘’Yeah I know, but how can you like it,’’ Noora asked honestly. ‘’doing that with them?’’

‘’I don’t follow,’’ Eva seemed indeed confused.

She didn’t know what she meant either, but Noora felt like she would get there somehow and decided to keep going, which was unusual for her. She normally controlled what she said well. She would never just speak without knowing where she was headed. But here she was.

‘’Don’t take it the wrong way. It’s just, boys …disgust me, to an extent.’’

Eva laughed loudly at her comment. Her laugh was so genuine it made Noora stop in her train of thought. But rapidly, she covered Eva’s mouth with her hand.

‘’Would you shut up?’’ She asked severly.

Eva was still laughing, but when she saw Noora frown, she calmed down slightly. Noora took her hand off her mouth and stared at her.

‘’Will you laugh at me again?’’

Eva nodded. ‘’Probably.’’

‘’Fuck,’’ Noora sighed. ‘’Oh to hell with this. I don’t mind your laughing, anyway.’’

‘’Yeah, you shouldn’t. I think you’re hilarious Noora. It’s good, you make me laugh.’’

Noora shook her head. ‘’Glad to hear that. Now will you shut it or what?’’

Eva nodded again. ‘’Yeah, yeah. Tell me about your disdain for boys. Wait.’’ She said seriously. ‘’Did something happen?’’

Noora gave her an annoying look. ‘’I just don’t get the appeal.’’

Eva scooted closer again and Noora thought she had to know that this was too close, right? None of them moved, though. They were close but it felt comfortable.

‘’You want my honest opinion?’’ Eva asked.

‘’If you want to share it,’’ Noora turned towards her again, looking at her. She saw that Eva was thinking about how she was going to talk, maybe choosing her words carefully. ‘’You don’t have to restrain yourself around me, Eva. Just say what you’re thinking.’’

‘’Right,’’ Eva smiled sarcastically.’’ And then I’ll look like an idiot.’’

‘’You already do,’’ Noora said seriously. ‘’So go ahead.’’

‘’Eh,’’ Eva pushed her but scooted closer immediately after. ‘’Can’t tell if you’re joking.’’

‘’Then how will I be able to make you laugh again?’’ Noora mused. ‘’Which is apparently why you keep me around.’’

Eva shook her head. ‘’I also keep you around because you’re warm and my room is incredibly cold right now.’’

Noora raised an eyebrow. ‘’Is this why you keep moving this close? Why don’t you just put your heater on, Eva?’’

‘’I’m good,’’ she smiled at Noora. ‘’Ok, I’ll say it. You shouldn’t let your past experiences with boys ruin it for you for the rest of your life.’’

Noora smiled at her, like a mother would smile at her child trying to express an opinion clumsily. ‘’It’s what you were thinking about?’’

Clearly, this had annoyed Eva as she frowned at her. ‘’Don’t give me this look, I’m only saying.’’

‘’You don’t even know what my ‘’past experiences with boys’’ are.’’

‘’Maybe so,’’ Eva said rapidly. ‘’But you should keep an open-mind.’’

Noora sighed and closed her eyes. ‘’Funny.’’

‘’What is?’’

‘’You saying that,’’ Noora opened her eyes again. ‘’What’s so good about boys that make you talk like that? They..annoy me.’’

Eva laughed again. ‘’Noora, we’ve known each other for a week now. A lot of things annoy you.’’

Noora looked at her seriously. ‘’ You don’t. You don’t annoy me at all, Eva.’’.

God! Why did she say that? She had no idea. She really didn’t mean to, she had only meant to think of it. Eva smiled at first, a shy smile, an amused one. But when she saw how worked up that last comment had made Noora, she stopped and stared at her.

‘’Can’t believe you’re blushing over this,’’ Eva whispered, surprised in her voice.

‘’Shut up,’’ Noora grunted.

They stayed quiet for a while, Noora looking at the wall behind Eva.

‘’Can I talk or will you kill me?’’ Eva ventured.

‘’You can do whatever you want, but I can’t guarantee I won’t try to kill you.’’

‘’I think what I like the most about boys…it’s the feeling of belonging, you know?’’

Noora only stared.

‘’It’s knowing someone wants you and, to a more extreme extent, love you. I like it. And my body likes it too.’’

Noora grinned. ‘’Your body?’’

Eva frowned. ‘’Yes, Noora. You won’t make me ashamed of how I react to boys.’’

But Noora pressed her head on her pillow. ‘’You react to anything! Boys or girls, you said it yourself. So what makes them so good?’’

Eva looked confused. ‘’What do you mean?’’

Noora sighed. ‘’You said it, that you make out with whoever is hot. So.’’

‘’It doesn’t matter, I mean, it’s not like that. You don’t drink, ‘’ Eva thought. ‘’But when you’re drunk you’d make out with a plant or something.’’

‘’If the plant is hot,’’ Noora mocked.

‘’I should make you shut up, now you think you’re hilarious.’’

Noora smiled at her. ‘’Nobody makes me shut up,’’ she said, an eyebrow raised. ‘’I shut up if I want to.’’

‘’I could make you shut up.’’

And Eva had said it so cutely. Noora thought in this instant that she had looked innocent, with no worries in  her smile and her big eyes.

‘’Making out doesn’t really mean anything to me,’’ Eva added. ‘’I could kiss anyone. The point is that when your body reacts, it feels good too.’’

‘’How?’’

Eva only smiled again. This time, in a very amused way.

‘’Have you never felt horny or what?’’

‘’Ah,’’ Noora said. ‘’That.’’

She couldn’t believe it, but Eva scooted even closer. This time they were right next to each other. Noora was on her back, looking at the ceiling, pretending to not feel Eva’s body so close to her. Eva got on her left arm and stared at Noora from above. Her red locks where falling around her pale face, some of it touching Noora.

‘’I can’t believe you,’’ She said to Noora. ‘’Stop looking at the ceiling and look at me.

Noora took some of Eva’s red locks in her fingers and moved them so they wouldn’t touch her nose. ‘’I look wherever I want to look at.’’

‘’God, you’re so annoying.’’

‘’Yep.’’

‘’Look at me!’’

Noora closed her eyes immaturely, but when she felt Eva’s warm head on her shoulder and heard her laugh rose slowly from her mouth… she couldn’t help but to open them again. Ah. What was this? Why was she feeling so powerless, so weak, so unable to do anything? She wanted to push Eva away but she didn’t at the same time.

She was happy that Eva was so close because she knew she had to be red all over her face now. After a while, Eva moved away and took the same position as before, looking at her from above with a victorious’ smile on her face

‘’Now you’re looking at me and you’re listening.’’

Noora rolled her eyes, wondering if Eva had decided to ignore the state of her cheeks. ‘’Your hair is still touching my face.’’

‘’So?’’ Eva asked.

‘’It’s annoying.’’

‘’Have you never felt horny?’’

Noora grunted again and looked away. This was not where she wanted the conversation to go.  She felt Eva’s body move towards her. Precisely, her face was just above hers.

‘’You can talk to me about it,’’ Eva said. ‘’You know now that I won’t judge.’’

‘’Maybe I don’t want to.’’

‘’This is fine too,’’ Eva smiled and Noora frowned. ‘’Really. I was just curious.’’

‘’What’s to be curious about?’’ Noora couldn’t recognize her voice. It honestly talked on its own. She wanted it to shut up.

‘’I’m curious about you. I’m curious about why you won’t allow yourself to be more sexual. I guess. Is that so bad?’’

Noora looked at her seriously. ‘’You are a lot more mature than you let it show.’’

‘’No. I’m not,’’ Eva smiled. ‘’This is it, but maybe you think everybody is a prude?’’

‘’Shut up with that!’’

Eva fell on the bed next to her, her body resting over hers a little, her head on her shoulder. ‘’No, I won’t. Stop telling me to shut up, fucking hell.’’ She said calmly. ‘’Only makes me want to talk about it more.’’

‘’Get the fucking hint, Eva.’’ Noora sighed, she tried to move away from Eva, but she only moved her a little. Now, she was resting on her side, her head still on her shoulder.

‘’Yes or no. Just say it. Have you ever felt horny?’’

Noora couldn’t help but to laugh now. ‘’What do you think?’’

‘’Did you not like it?’’

Noora turned her head to look at Eva. Was she serious now? Did she really want them to talk about this?

‘’I’m about to leave now.’’

As soon as she said that, Eva put her left arm around her waist and maintained her in place.

‘’Don’t,’’ she said lightly. ‘’ I will stop talking about that if it annoys you so much, but stay a little.’’

Noora stayed quiet. She didn’t have much choice. She didn’t want to move Eva’s arm from around her body but she felt like she had to do it. She also felt warm.

‘’I’ve only really been a little tuned on,’’ she confessed after some time. ‘’Or maybe it’s the norm. I don’t know, it felt ok.’’

Eva stared at her. She was probably not aware of what she was doing, but she was moving her hand. Up and down. Touching Noora’s side.

‘’It feels more than ok, Noora. It feels good, and hot and exhilarant.’’

‘’That’s how you feel?’’

Eva nodded. ‘’Maybe you haven’t tried with the right guy.’’

Noora stared at her. ‘’Maybe.’’

‘’Or maybe they haven’t done the right things? Boys can be selfish. They mostly care about their pleasure, so it can suck sometimes.’’

Noora laughed at that. ‘’Speaking from experience?’’

She was hit by Eva on her side. ‘Leave him out of it.’’

Noora laughed even harder. ‘’I wasn’t even thinking about Jonas! Hilarious.’

‘‘What do you like sexually?’’

This time, Noora pushed Eva away and looked at her doubtfully.

‘’You’re being serious now?’ She almost screamed.

This was starting to look too much like her dream and she didn’t want it to look like her dream at all. Yet…Yet…She longed for _it_. Whatever this _it_ was, as long as it was with Eva.

‘‘Maybe you don’t know what you like?’’ Eva mused to herself, ignoring Noora’s words.

‘‘God, Eva. Shut up,’’ Noora said.

But Eva seemed thoughtful. ‘’I won’t push it,’’ she said. ‘’But if you want me to show you what _I_ like, I can do that. I don’t mind. I think I know something that you could like that could make you more comfortable so you won’t freeze when you do something with a guy.’’

Noora laughed loudly. ‘’I am not uncomfortable. I just don’t like being intimate. Period.’’ She said. ‘’And no, thanks. I will pass on your offer.’’

Eva shrugged but lied down. ‘’Whatever. I don’t get why you’re getting mad but it’s pissing me of too so let’s drop it.’’ Eva sighed.

‘’Sorry,’’ Noora said, surprising herself. She saw Eva’s face lighting up too.

‘‘It’s fine. Sorry I pushed it.’’

Noora smiled at her too. ‘’It’s fine. Don’t worry about me Eva. I’m not meant to be with anyone.’

‘‘How can you say that?’’

‘’Because it’s true. And it’s fine. Let’s forget it, ok?’’

Eva stared at her silently, but nodded. ‘’Maybe it will change?’’

Noora smiled. ‘’Maybe.’’

*                                        

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, didn't read it. Hopefully there aren't that many mistakes...


	6. But it’s fulfilling

Eva

Friday came around the corner faster than Eva had wanted it to, but she was ready. She had written a letter and recited it more than a thousand times; what she was going to tell Ingrid and how she was going to do it. She had also thought about how it would all end. In her dreams, Ingrid was crying and so was she but in the end, they would hug and forgive each other. Was it naïve of her to think that it could end up that way? She couldn’t help but to think about Ingrid, to long for her friendship again. _How will she react to me tonight?_ Eva asked herself. _How will I react to her? Her face, her eyes, her lips…the words she will say…Her._  Eva closed her eyes. She supposed she would have to wait until tonight… to really get over it all.

Eva sighed slowly, letting warm air out of her mouth. Seated on the back stairs of her school, during the dinner break, she was reciting her well-learned text again, the letter in her left hand. The sun was heavy on her skin and she felt sweaty and gross, but she wanted peace and silence and she did not mind the feeling either. Outside at this hour, she was the only one in the horizon. She knew it wouldn’t last, but she would use all the time she had to perfect her apology.

Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder and as she was turning to see who it was attached to, three other people ran down the stairs in a hurry, laughing loudly with excited screams.

She first saw Noora who had remove her hand from her shoulder, an apologetic smile on her face, followed closely by Chris, Sana and Vilde.

‘’Sorry,’’ Noora whispered quickly

‘’About wha-‘’

Vilde was already pushing Noora away to announce something that seemed very important, judging by the way she couldn’t stop jumping on the spot. 

‘Eva, oh my God, Eva!’’ Vilde screamed.

Eva moved back a little, only so Vilde’s body would not invade her personal space so much.

‘’What happened?’’ she replied slowly. ‘’I’m scared of asking.’’

Sana and Chris were both laughing next to her.

‘’You are so lucky that you were here and not inside, God! You know that Penetrator Chris?’’

Eva felt her face drop as she stared at Vilde. She had completely forgotten about him.

‘‘He was looking for you,’’ Sana smirked. ‘’He’s such an idiot, by the way.’’

Eva shook her head slowly. ‘’But what happened? Did he speak to Jonas?’’

‘’Jonas?’’ Sana repeated. ‘’I don’t think so.’’

Chris nodded. ‘’They are not part of the same crew at all, I wouldn’t wo—‘’

Vilde couldn’t seem to wait as she showed Eva her phone. ‘’Look at this guy! He’s friend with Penetrator Chris and… don’t you think he is so hot? So we thought I could lose my virginity to him!’’

‘’ _We_ is not the word I would use,’’ Noora said.

Eva raised an eyebrow and breathed out. So this was the exciting news?

‘’Vilde, you scared me!’’ She almost yelled.

‘’What? You don’t think he’s hot?’’ She was showing different pictures from the boy’s instagram. ‘’His name is William, look at him, Eva. He was there with Chris and…and our eyes met and I swear he smiled at me…and I think I’m in love! I can’t wait for tonight!’’

Eva busted out laughing. Next to her, Noora was shaking her head slowly, a hand on her forehead. Eva finally looked at Vilde’s phone and frowned.

‘’He looks like he could be friends with Chris,’’ She joked.

‘’They both look clueless,’’ Sana added.

Vilde smiled. ‘’Right! Not the clueless thing. But they are both so popular and good looking. I heard he is very picky about the girls he sleeps with. But I’ve seen the girls he was into, I think I’m his type.’’ Vilde was musing out loud. 

Noora took the phone and turned it off. ‘’Vilde, do you think it’s a good thing that you’re his _type_?’’

‘’Of course,’’ she said. ‘’Why would you turn it off, I was about to show her the one with his car…’’

Sana gasped loudly and pointed a finger towards the entrance. William and Chris were there with other boys, coming out of the school.

‘’Fuck,’’ Eva screamed. She took her bag and stood up. ‘’Let’s go!!’’

They all started running, pushing the people that were now coming  out from  different entrances,  and once they had contoured the school and were at an opposite spot, they all fell on the ground, laughing loudly at the stupidity of the situation.

‘’This is hilarious,’’ Chris said. ‘’What did you tell him? He seems really into you.’’

Eva laughed. ‘’More like he wants to be into me.’’

Noora punched her slightly. ‘’Don’t joke about this. The guy thinks you have a thing for him.’’

‘’You should have seen him and William,’’ Sana rolled her eyes. ‘’Men are so easily manipulated.’’ She sighed.

Eva closed her eyes and sighed too. She felt Noora’s fingers touching her left hand and once she opened her eyes, Noora was reading the text Eva had been practicing so much. Eva felt her cheeks becoming hot and red.

‘’Don’t!’’ she tried taking it back, but Noora was already up and still reading with a frown on her face.

‘’Aw,’’ Noora said as she flipped the paper. ‘’Two pages too?’’

Eva stood up and tried again but Noora was agile and concentrated on her task. The other girls were looking at the two of them, still seated on the ground, too tired to move a muscle.

‘’No-ora!’’ Eva yelled. ‘’This is embarrassing!’’

Noora shook her head. ‘’It’s…cute,’’ she gave the paper back to Eva once she was done, Eva who was now red all over, from her ears to her cheeks to her neck.

Noora tilted her head and stared at her weirdly. ‘’It’s well-written,  like a love letter.’’

‘’Fuck you,’’ Eva breathed out. ‘’This is really personal, you know.’’

 Eva couldn’t help the shame she felt and the anger too. Somehow, she was certain of the emotions she felt for Ingrid, but she was also certain of how personal they were. The feelings she had, she couldn’t share them…she didn’t want to share them with anyone else. Ingrid was hers before she had been anyone else’s. Before she had been Jonas’ and before she had found new friends. This was between the two of them, why couldn’t Noora understand that she had crossed a line? Eva was in her right, wasn’t she? _Noora…You had no right to read that letter_ , Eva thought.

‘’Are you mad?’’ Noora asked, surprised of her friend’s reaction. ‘’Don’t be mad, Eva. I shouldn’t have done that.’’

Eva folded the paper rapidly and clumsily shoved it in her bag. ‘’Yeah.’’

The other girls were still silent, one moment looking at Eva, the other staring at Noora.

‘’I didn’t know you would react this way.’’ Noora explained. ‘’You’re the one who asked for my help before.’’

Eva fumed. ‘’But not for _that_!’’ she felt her cheeks warming up again. ‘’Not for that Noora!’’

Noora raised both her eyebrows slowly. She was searching Eva’s face with her eyes and after a while, she looked away. ‘’Sorry,’’ she finally said.

‘’It’s... ‘’ Eva didn’t know what to say. She felt weird and out of place. ‘’I…Whatever. I need to go to the bathroom.’’

She didn’t look back as she ran towards the nearest entrance.

 

*

Noora

‘’Has she answered yet?’’

Noora grunted. ‘’No, Vilde. She hasn’t answered to the text I just sent to her, five seconds ago.’’

Vilde looked offended. ‘’I’m just saying, it doesn’t take that long to read a text and reply. I think she’s mad at us,’’ she whispered the last few words.

Sana sniggered. ‘’No shit, Sherlock.’’

They were now walking together towards their lockers. Their classes were over for the day and, even though they had waited for Eva near her last class, they had not seen any sign of her anywhere.

‘’I’m sure it’s against your religion to treat me that way,’’ Vilde frowned.

‘’Which way?’’ Sana played along.

In all honesty, Noora was getting tired of their constant bickering. Normally she would have been amused, or maybe she would have added a comment to defend one of them, but today she was more concerned about Eva and her state of mind.

‘ _’Which way_? _Which Way_?’’ Vilde screamed just next to Noora’s ear.

‘’What’s your problem yelling at me like that?’’

Vilde rolled her eyes. ‘’You can’t insult me! It’s in every religion, I’m sure of it.’’

‘’In Islam, there are exceptions for cheaters, liars and dumbasses,’’ Sana said it so seriously that Vilde almost looked like she believed her but Chris’ laughter in the back made her gasp in indignation.

Suddenly, Noora stopped walking and looked at her friends. ‘’What should we do, now? About Eva.’’

Sana shrugged and Chris made a face.

‘’I think we should still meet at her house at 9 P.M and you should apologize again. Then we can get drunk.’’ Vilde proposed.

Weirdly enough, Noora had to agree with Vilde’s plan. After some quick planning, they all said their goodbyes to each other and left their own way. As she was walking towards her bus stop, Noora tried to understand Eva’s reaction to her reading the letter. Noora admitted that it had not been the smartest thing to do but what was the big deal?

Eva had some issues, clearly. Noora did not mean it in a bad way either, but she understood that much: Eva’s relationship with Ingrid was far more complex than Noora had previously imagined and it was probably more complex than what Eva thought too.

The words Eva had used in the letter and the way she had reacted…was it possible that… _No. It’s not because you were weird enough to dream about her like **that** …It’s not that way for Eva_. _But…_ Noora shook her head. She hadn’t had the time to think about that dream again. The day she had went to Eva’s house to help her text Chris…she had felt all kind of things she didn’t want to think about and now, it was all coming back.

Why did she have to be _attracted_  to her! Noora was so dumb! So dumb! So dumb! And she wanted to be friends with Eva, she liked her. She liked hanging out with her. She liked her laughter, she liked her sense of humor and she liked her mind. They were so similar and yet so different. It was exciting! What was wrong with her that she always had to have those stupid crushes on girls who could never like her the way she did....

Noora sighed. She looked on the side and grimaced. Out of all the people she could have met at that precise moment, she had to meet him. She didn’t have to make a single effort to shift into her cold persona.

‘’Hi,’’ he said smoothly, or at least he was trying to be smooth.

‘’Do we know each other?’’ Noora looked away.

William laughed quietly. ‘’I saw you running away from us with your friends. Were you scared of us?’’

She looked at him so doubtfully, he had to understand that she was not interested.

‘’I’m waiting for the bus, could you please move. I wouldn’t want to miss it, you see.’’

William smiled. ‘’I can give you a lift with my car, to my apartment.’’

She laughed; in her head she was throwing up. But William seemed to think that she was warming up to him.

‘’I would rather not.’’ She said, and for good measures, she added: ‘’Not now, not never.’’

William nodded calmly. He looked away for a while and then looked at her again. Unfortunately, Noora had still been looking at him, wondering what Vilde found appealing outside of his physical appearance. Again, the boy seemed to think that she was warming up. Despite herself, she felt her cheeks warming up a little. She wanted to curse herself.

‘’I don’t think we have ever met,’’ William said. ‘’ I’ve seen your friends around, but you…Never.’’

Noora didn’t bother answering and turned on her phone to look at the time.

‘’I’m William, by the way.’’

She looked at him and sighed. ‘’Noora.’’

He smiled again. ‘’She talks,’’ he said. ‘’Good to know. Are you going to Josh’s party tonight?  

Noora laughed again. Of all the things she had thought of, William hitting on her was not on the list.

‘’I…am.’’ She said once she was done.

‘’So, we will meet again. Here, your bus is coming.’’

Noora shook her head.

‘’Are you sure you don’t want that lift?’’ William joked.

Noora rolled her eyes but, before she could stop herself, she thought of something.

‘’If my friend Vilde hits on you,’’ she said, unsure of rather she was doing the right thing or not, ‘’Please don’t sleep with her.’’

William frowned. ‘’Who?’’

‘’Vil-de,’’ Noora repeated, annoyed. ‘’Blond, a bit smaller than I am.’’

‘’Ah, her,’’ William grimaced. ‘’Wasn’t planning on doing anything with her.’’

Noora rolled her eyes again. ‘’Good. Or I will kill you.’’

‘’Somehow this is hot,’’ William whispered.

Noora closed her eyes and slowly opened them. She talked slowly after that, so that William would understand how childish he was acting. ‘’Listen, Wilfred. I am not into you. This is annoying me, really. So stop it.’’

William tilted his head and smiled at her. ‘’It’s William.’’

‘’Whatever.’’

She went inside the bus while he laughed behind her.

*

Eva 

Eva was getting dressed for the night. Alone in her room, she had opened the window so that she didn’t feel so hot. Yet, her whole body felt like it was on fire. She felt so nervous, aware of the fact that she was finally going to talk to Ingrid, to tell her all that was on her mind.

In front of her mirror, she looked at her reflection. She was wearing a short off-the-shoulder blue dress with a deep V neck. Her hair was wildly brushed and she had lots of make up on. She suddenly remembered how Ingrid had called her a _slut_ some days prior.

‘’Maybe I should change,’’ she wondered out loud.

She heard a knock on her window and saw Noora waving at her with an awkward smile. Eva looked away as she felt a blush creeping in. Still, she turned down the music she was listening to and went to the window.

‘’What are you doing?’’ Eva asked curiously.

Noora pushed her gently out of her way and entered the room. She was dressed in a causal white suits and her hair was tied down. As per usual, Eva fond her beautiful. Almost angelic.

‘’I thought we had a rendez-vous here.’’ Noora said. ‘’I’m just a bit earlier. ’’

Eva shrugged and went to her mirror again.

‘’Do you think I look like a slut?’’

Noora was seated on her bed, taking off her brown shoes when she looked at Eva intensely.

‘’I think you look great,’’ she said.

‘’But do I look like a slut?’’

Eva was no longer looking at Noora now, but she heard her sigh and fall on the bed as she laughed softly. Then, she was lying on her side with her head on her left hand, staring at Eva from head to toes. When Eva glanced back at her from her side, she suddenly felt uncomfortable, growing anxious of her look compared to Noora’s.

‘’You look hot, Eva. Really.’’

‘’I kind of don’t want to overdo it, you know…’’ she mumbled. ‘’You always look so pretty effortlessly. How do you do that?’’

Noora shrugged and sat down again. ‘’Are you dressing up for Ingrid?’’ She teased.

‘’Yep,’’ Eva said shamelessly. ‘’Last time she called me a slut, so I was thinking maybe I should change.’’

 Noora shook her head, something she was doing more recently. ‘’I don’t think it would change anything really. The letter…’’

She stopped herself realising she was maybe saying something wrong, but Eva didn’t stop her. On the contrary, she looked at her with her big eyes, waiting. She had thought about it, and her reaction…before…might had been too much. But she had felt so heavy, so ashamed that someone had read her heart so bluntly.

‘’I thought the letter was convincing,’’ Noora said.

‘’Did you…read it all?’’ Eva asked sheepishly.

Noora smiled apologetically.

‘’It’s fine, really. I overreacted. I don’t know why.’’

They stayed quiet for a while. The sun was setting and the orange curtains transformed the light from outside into red patches of lights. Eva felt calmer suddenly, with the calm wind from outside, the sweet melody paying and Noora smiling at her with a mocking smile.

Suddenly, she laughed and joined Noora on the bed.

‘’It’s so weird,’’ she laughed. ‘’I feel like today is important, yet I don’t know how. Have you ever felt that way?’’

Noora nodded. ‘’Sometimes I feel that I’m living a moment that is shifting my life in another direction. It’s a scary feeling,’’ she added. ‘’ Because you don’t know exactly where you’re headed. But it’s fulfilling too.’’

Eva smiled. ‘’So mature.’’

‘’I told you so, the first time we met.’’

‘’You also stalked me on Facebook.’’

‘’Shhhh,’’ but Noora was smiling. ‘’I love this song.’’

Eva looked at her shoes while smiling. She looked at Noora again and decided to hug her.

‘’Thank you, Noora,’’ she said, still holding Noora in her arms. ‘’I know we have only known each other for less than two weeks, but I am so happy I met you.’’

Eva felt Noora laugh and she hugged her tighter.

‘’Don’t laugh!’’

Soon, Noora was hugging her too, warmly. ‘’Your letter was really personal…I’m sorry I read it.’’

‘’It’s okay.’’

They parted and Eva thought Noora seemed like she wanted to add something.

‘’Can I tell you something?’’ Noora was staring at the door.

‘’Yep.’’

She sighed again and clapped her hands. Finally, she looked back at Eva. In this light, Eva couldn’t tell if Noora was blushing or if it was the red ray of sunlight setting on her face. In any case, she looked a little uneasy.

‘’It seemed like a love letter,’’ Noora said.

‘’It was, in a way.’’

Noora closed her eyes. ‘’No, Eva. I mean it. It seemed to me as if you were in love with her.’’

Eva didn’t answer…She didn’t know what to say. Somehow, this suggestion didn’t shock her at all. On the contrary, she felt, relived. As if, finally, she had found a missing piece to her puzzle.

‘’You think I’m in love with her?’’ She finally whispered.

Noora frowned. ‘’I don’t know as of now. But it seemed as if…when she was dating Jonas, from your letter. It seemed as if you were in love with her. I thought you seemed jealous and maybe went for the wrong person.’’

‘’And now?’’

Noora searched her face again. ‘’You tell me.’’

Eva put her face on her hands, grunting. ‘’I…don’t know. Why would you tell me that? I love her…I do. But I love Jonas too.’’

‘’Do you?’’

‘’Of course I do!’’ Eva screamed, standing up.

Noora was staring at her. ‘’Maybe not like you used too, no?’’

Eva sat on the bed again, frowning angrily. ‘’What about you then?’’ She spat. ‘’How could you know anything about love, you have never loved. Or have you?’’

Rather than being mad, Noora smiled an amused expression on her face. ‘’I’ve loved before…’’

Eva glared at her and then, calmly, breathed in and breathed out.

‘’I hate you,’’ she said.

Noora full on laughed. ‘’No you don’t.’’

‘’Hmm…’’

‘’Are you scared?’’ Noora asked.

‘’I don’t know. Can I try something?’’

Eva was nervous now, her big eyes lingering on Noora. Noora seemed happy and still amused.

‘’Sure, unless it’s…killing me.’’

‘’Nop, not that.’’ Eva said.

Noora made a grimace. ‘’I didn’t think s—‘’

She didn’t have time to finish. Eva had moved slowly, but rapidly at the same time. As if she had not control of herself anymore, she let her body move alongside the music, alongside the sunset and she found herself close to her friend. Her fingers, long and warm, were caressing Noora’s cheek and her lips touching hers. She was not moving them but she felt as if she had Noora’s permission to do so. So she did, slowly. Very slowly. She heard Noora gasp but continued. And as Noora retreated, she advanced. Soon, Noora was moving her lips too and gently, they kissed.

So this was new. And exciting. Eva had wanted to try it out, but now, she had found out that she couldn’t stop. She liked it. Weirdly enough, she was not thinking of anything. Maybe had she been thinking, she would have remembered Jonas. And maybe had she been thinking, she would have realized how stupid this all was.

But she was not thinking at all.

Noora…tasted good. She smelled good. She kissed…lovely. Eva’s fingers were now caressing Noora’s hair, embracing her, bringing her face closer to hers. Weirdly enough, Noora was very shy about it all, so Eva had no choice to be more vigorous. And they kissed like that for a while until Noora turned her face away.

When Eva came to her sense, she knew her face was as red as Noora’s.

‘’Why did you do that?’’ Noora asked angrily.

‘’I thought maybe…it would help,’’ Eva breathed difficulty.

‘’Did it?’’ Noora snapped. ‘’Oh, Eva. This was so stupid.’’

‘’I don’t think I love her like that,’’ Eva thought out loud. ‘’ I think I did, before. But I don’t think I do, now.’’

Noora laughed angrily.

‘’And I think you are gay,’’ Eva said slowly.

Noora sighed irritably and seemed to be forcing herself to calm that.

‘’It would explain a lot,’’ Eva said.

‘’I’m not,’’ Noora spat. 

‘’You’re not?’’ Eva wondered.

‘’No, and don’t ever think of doing that again.’’ She said accusingly.

Without thinking, Eva moved again and slowly kissed her friend’s cheek. When she heard Noora slowly inhale, she kissed her neck with an opened mouth.

‘’Ah,’’ Noora said.

‘’How can you say that you are not…?’’ Eva asked, her face still close to Noora’s and her eyes big of wonder.

Noora gently pushed her face away but Eva moved back into her personal space.

‘’Is it weird that I want to kiss you again?’’ Eva asked despite herself. ‘’I think I could help you.’’

‘’Don’t,’’ Noora said firmly. ‘’Think about Jonas.’’

Eva sighed heavily, her face down and touching Noora’s shoulder. But then, she slowly withdrew and frowned at Noora.

‘I’m sorry,’’ Eva said with confusion in her voice. ‘’I don’t know why I thought it didn’t mean anything… I was curious and then, you said you weren’t gay so I thought I would…’’

‘’Just stop it, okay?’’ Noora snapped, her cheeks red with anger. ‘’I’m not and this was stupid! I just don’t want you to do _that_ again.’’

She moved out of Noora’s space. Noora sighed calmly, breathing in her friend’s fruity perfume.

‘’I think,’’ Noora said calmly. ‘’That Ingrid will forgive you.’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’Because you are so genuine, Eva. Too honest…and it affects others.’’

‘’You say that like it’s a bad thing,’’ Eva laughed a little.

A minute passed with only the slow ballade from Eva’s radio playing in the background.

‘’Maybe it is, or maybe it isn’t.’’ Noora sighed. ‘’Sometimes you’re so honest and you act on it too. That’s what you did with Jonas back then and that’s what I read in your letter… But sometimes, I think you want to convince yourself that you feel a certain way.’’

‘’Isn’t this contradictory?’’

‘’It is.’’

Eva moved closer and gave her an unimpressed look. ‘’Aren’t you supposed to be the smart one?’’

‘’Ah! Thanks for that,’’ Noora frowned. ‘’ When your honest and act upon your feelings, I think those are the times where you feel good. And people feel it too. And usually, you’re a pretty fun person to be around.’’

‘’What does that mean?’’

‘’Just… If you feel sad, or bad about something, maybe you’re not being your usual self. Maybe you’re not being true to your feelings. Speak honestly with Ingrid tonight. I think she will understand.’’

*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the Druck version...The last episode...I have hope! Ahaha


	7. ‘’Okay then, off I go!’’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I changed the previous chapter and did this one, which explains why it's so short...(Im tired)........Aslo...almost done...almost...

*

Noora

A couple hours had passed and their friends had arrived, bringing with them alcohol, chips and a good atmosphere. They were all outside in Eva’s backyard, some drinking and others simply eating, while waiting for the good moment to leave. Outside, it was already dark, but Eva’s mother had put little lights around the patio. It was altogether very lovely and warm.

Noora felt good with them. She could almost pretend that she had forgotten about Eva’s kisses. She knew Eva had, or rather…She knew Eva was oblivious to the impact it had left on Noora.

Noora had meant it when she had said that Eva was too honest. She was always acting on her feelings…. Still. Why couldn’t she see that she did not love Jonas _that_ way anymore? Why couldn’t she see that she had loved Ingrid _that_ way too?

Or could she? She had almost admitted it to Noora, hadn’t she? Yet, Noora couldn’t even admit that much…Not to herself, not to Eva.

‘’No-ora!,’’ Vilde said, waving her hand in front of Noora’s eyes.

Noora moved away unexpectedly. Vidle was in front of her, standing up, while the others were all seated. Noora then noticed that Vilde had changed her clothes, and Noora smiled.

‘’Am I dreaming or were you not wearing that a minute ago?,’’ she said, laughing.

Vilde gasped. ‘’I’ve been trying on different outfits since I came here! Were you not paying attention?!’’

Noora slowly exhaled. ‘’Sorry, Vilde,’’ she said with a grin. ‘’This dress is the best one so far. You look hot,’’ She had meant it as some kind of silly joke, and Sana and Chris had laughed too, but when she accidently looked at Eva who happened to be behind an unamused Vilde, she saw her pale face staring at her, a curious look in her eyes. Noora looked away. Her cheeks warming up.

Was it going to be like that from now on? She had thought that Eva was oblivious to her attraction to girls but was it possible that…

‘’Don’t you think that I look too much like a prude? You’re this expert, right?’’

Sana laughed loudly. ‘’Prude! In this dress? Vilde I can almost see your boobs from here, and I’m behind you.’’

Vilde turned around and smiled at her. ‘’Ah-Ah.’’ She said. ‘’You don’t like the dress then?’’

Sana mused ‘’Actually, I do. It looks good, but don’t worry about looking modest in this. Trust me.’’

Vidle frowned again. ‘’Oh, Sana. I think we have a different definition of _modesty_.’’

Sana smirked. ‘’Yes, we do.’’

Eva, Chris and Noora laughed at that. When the laughter died down, Eva stood up abruptly and stretched. Without noticing, Noora was staring at her form in the warm light. With her ginger hair and pale skin, she was just too beautiful. And everything was at the right place too, Noora thought. Ah, could she be _weirder_ about that? More _obvious_?

 She looked away, staring at the garden. While the others continued the conversation, she unbuttoned her blouse slightly and adjusted her suit. She smiled at the thought she had decided to wear a white suit to a party. Maybe she should do like Vilde too and change her outfit? She laughed quietly.

‘’What’s up?’’ Sana asked her, standing close to her, dirty cups in her hands.

‘’Eh, ‘’ Noora smiled. ‘’I was just thinking it was stupid of me…to wear that suit to the party.’’

Sana smiled. ‘’I think it looks good. You’re one of those girls who can easily work menswear.’’

Noora raised one eyebrow at that comment. ‘’I’m not sure if I’m flattered?’’

‘’I think you look good!’’ Sana explained with a laugh. ‘’Don’t take everything so offensively!’’

‘’I do not!’’ Noora answered slowly, with a mocked offense. It got the others to laugh too.

Once they were done cleaning up the place and had locked the entrance door, ready to walk towards the party, Noora felt someone touching her shoulder. She turned around and saw Eva smiling at her. She was clearly tipsy as her cheeks were pink.

‘’You think it was a good idea to drink tonight?’’ Noora asked scornfully.

Eva laughed loudly at that. ‘’I’m a good drinker, I’ll be sober in ten minutes!’’

‘’And it’s something to be proud of?’’

Eva rolled her eyes and bumped into her shoulder. ‘’Of course you would say that, prude.’’

‘’Okay.’’ Noora turned around angrily, ready to join the others and leave Eva behind.

‘’Ah,’’ Eva laughed. She had taken a hold of Noora’s arm and was restraining her gently. ‘’Don’t be mad, Noora.’’

‘’Stop calling me a prude,’’ Noora replied, staring at Eva’s fingers circling her arm.

‘’Fine, fine. Even if Vilde says it too?’’

‘’Eva.’’

‘’God,’’ Eva laughed again lightly. ‘’You’re so grumpy. I thought kisses were supposed to make you feel the opposite?’’

Noora’s immediate reaction was to put a hand on Eva’s mouth, turning her around so that she was also facing her. Even though the position seemed uncomfortable, Eva was still laughing, her laughter muffled by Noora’s hand. Then, Noora felt her cheeks warming up and she cursed herself. A tipsy Eva was too much to handle. She had said it some nights prior, that she became flirty when she drank, but Noora hadn’t meant to be at the receiving hand of her comments.

‘’Eva, please,’’ Noora pleaded. ‘’Could you not mention this again?’’

Eva pretended to ponder the question and after a while, she nodded. Satisfied by the answer, Noora moved her hand from her mouth and arranged her suit.

‘’I thought you were a good kisser, though.’’ Eva teased. ‘’Your girlfriend will be lucky!’’

She then ran towards the others, leaving Noora perplexed and annoyed. A part of her was amused…but mostly, she felt as if everything was always so easy for Eva. And she could make everything fun too, even something so unconventional and … _ugly._ Well, no. Perhaps not ugly. She had meant to think _confusing_.

She followed the others with some distance. When some rap music became loud in her ears, she knew they were approaching their destination. As she walked towards the house in question, she found Eva standing up, not walking anymore.

‘’You okay?’’ She asked Eva calmly, her annoyance completely gone from her voice.

‘’Uh,’’ Eva said. ‘’Oh, yeah, I think so. I will just…speak honestly. Like you told me.’’

Noora smiled at that. ‘’Yup.’’

Eva suddenly lunched herself towards Noora, hugged her tightly and screamed.

‘’Noora!!’’ She yelled in her ears. ‘’You’re so nice, and sweet and lovely! Ah! This is it,’’ Eva said, moving away and staring at Noora, still in her embrace. ‘’Do you think I will make it alive?’’

‘’Of course you will!’’

‘’Do you think you will still be my friend?’’

‘’What kind of question is this?’’ Noora reprimanded.

‘’Will you try kissing me again?’’

Noora hit her on the shoulder.

‘’Kidding!’’ Eva said. ‘’Okay then, off I go!’’

Eva ran off towards the crowd of people surrounding the entrance. But suddenly, she ran back towards Noora to give her a light kiss on her cheek. At that moment, she smiled at her with such kindness and genuine gratefulness that Noora new she had found a friend in Eva and so had Eva. Noora smiled too and pushed Eva towards the entrance again. After an enthusiastic _Good luck_ to Eva, she finally decided to join Sana, Chris and Vilde in the house.

*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
